super neat, fantastically awesome, handmade hats! :)

get pumped because i am.  and i'm overwhelmed with sweetness.  our dear friends and fellow adoptive parents, nina and wes mullins, are helping us with some adoption fundraising since they are pros after bringing their incredibly beautiful twins home from ethiopia three years ago (which i went to photograph with them...amazing story...i'll have to share sometime...in the mean time go see those pics of then and now).

nina's mom is a very talented woman and offered to knit us hats to sell in return for us helping them get some work done on their home lately.  hardly seems enough for us to do that while they handle all the rest...but take a look at these super cute hats!!! kiddos and adult sizes!! these are traditional norwegian hats (as her mom is norwegian) and definitely knitted with love.  we are so honored she would take the time to knit these for us and are so thrilled to offer them for sale just before christmas!! and the info needed is at the link below!!

LINK TO ORDER this is where you can make special order requests also in case you happen to not be a UK fan (which is silly) or don't already love these color choices!


 child #1


child #2


adult #3


adult #4




adult #5


adult #6




adult #7
 
adult #8

adult #9

thanks so much, ia!!! and nina for handling this all!! 100% of the proceeds go back to our adoption funding...and any we raise beyond what is needed will go to bless the incredible orphanage we have come to love!  :)

our waiting father.

there are many other things that i should probably update and type about tonight.  but i just finished getting ready for bed and i'm just...well....sad. just a little bit.  incredibly hopeful.  but this evening. sad.

i texted someone this evening and said simply "i'm crying. missing a child i've never met."

i've not experienced this before.  i mean it was different when we were trying for a family biologically and the month would come and go with no positive news in that area.  i know that feeling.  but this one is different.  i know we will be placed with a child. i know it. and so somewhere, on the other side of the world. is a mom. likely pregnant or perhaps hurting as she has just made an adoption plan. somewhere there's a plan in place for a child to be mine. and yet they have no idea who i am. and i miss them.

as i sat on my bed (yup, crying...and journaling) God whispered to me His perspective.

i'm feeling what he feels. for those he also aches for and yet do not know him...he loves them immensely and yet they haven't found him. known him. loved him back yet....but he LOVES, hard and deeply...as i do for a child who doesn't know me yet. 

i love that he's preparing my heart.

but tonight i miss them.

"firsts"

my birthday was fantastic this year.  really, the best yet. it's the last of my 20s...and i'm facing it excitedly.  the whole day was awesome...full of phone calls, texts, drop bys, and celebrations.  it also brought the first of several kinds of gifts that were such a blessing to me....

 my first taiwan gift...taiwan flag key chain...my new prayer reminder when i get in the car :) such a sweet thought.

 

 our sweet potato(es) first gift-ish...their fund...complete with some starter money. i have some incredibly encouraging, thoughtful friends...been adding all our spare change and art sales to it...it's growing!! :)

my first mommy gift...and mommy card!! eeks!! still setting in that it's me! a journal to write or draw in about our little bit...perfect for creatives like us :)

and our first "family" gift...this one's from my sister! she said the devotional starts december first and includes readings from genesis and on through the bible that proclaim christ's coming and arrival as well as some family activities if interested.  she said she and her family (of 5 kids) read it together each year and go through it.  the thought of a new family tradition like this melts my heart.  we'll read it this christmas in preparation and try to image how it could possibly look next year this time.

jacob and i are trying to think of something small/inexpensive we can purchase to help it feel more real...like a onesie or something...gender neutral and at least a one year size (in case their hefty sweet potatoes ;) ). but still thinking on that...will probably just end up waiting til we have a referral and ca be more specific. but the whole day was a blessing and i was overwhelmed by friends and family.  truly. our child(ren) are going to have such an amazing community to be apart of.  thank you ALL so much!!

WAITING LIST!!!!!!!

;kaslasfljasifjdk!!!! my friends know when i text jarble like that with exclamations that it's my way of squealing via text lol.  we. are. so. excited and hopeful.  i wrote in my one line a day journal last night that i was feeling really hopeful last night and i woke up this morning to an email from taiwan saying we had been added to the waiting list. HUGE shocker because we had been told it could be 4+ weeks before we heard anything from them. so.....yea....that's pretty fantastic!!!

so what does this mean? nothing. and everything. lol.  it could still be 9 months before we know our child.  we have met people a step ahead of us that have been on the waiting list 3ish months so far and not heard anything...but that doesn't mean it'll be the same for us.  the heads of THOGL pray over all the applicants and all the babies and place them as they feel best...and we are also very much open to twins and should that come up, we don't know who else is open to that and may get different place in line then too....crazy amounts of variables in play.  we are also waiting for our I600a forms to come back with fingerprinting assignments from homeland security...allowing us to bring an "immigrant"...our child...over from taiwan.  and there a few other forms we have to fill out...but not sure if those are pre-post referral.

but we are on the list.
the list.
we are in line.
WAITING.
anytime....and yet maybe months. oh me!!!

are we ready? no one ever is...but seriously. holy cow. lol.  had a hard time being focused this morning. been editing and sending out emails and such...then get distracted thinking about the possilibities...and how we've seriously gotta get going on our tshirts and fundraiser lol.

i really struggle with that part...fundraising. always have, it's not a new thing.  we are working on shirts for hopefully a pre-christmas order option.  and....mark your calendars...we are looking to throw a chinese new year dance party!!! woot wooot!! chinese new year is january 31 and it's a friday...so either that day or february 1st on that saturday....more details on that as it gets closer but looking to have that as our big fundraiser...and i know i've got lots of photographer friends who get bummed shooting receptions every weekend and never really being a part of the dance party...so here's your chance!!! :)

so yes! big update and are so thankful and hopeful and exciting...and expectant!! :)

absence...

hi! sorry for the absence...my blog account decided to lock me out for a couple weeks and honestly, I hadn't had the chance to figure out the problem until this past week.  so the latest adoption update is that as of last week all our home study was officially finalized and sent off to taiwan.  once there it'll be translated to mandarin as well as "okayed" officially by the heads of THOGL.  when that is done we will be added to the waiting list.  the whole finalization process and send off of the home study was a longer process than i realized...but just because something is done on our end and finished from what we can do with it, does NOT mean that it is finished. :) i should know that by now.

many other God randomness and teaching have come into play, but again it's very busy at the moment and so i will have to catch up later.  wanted that bit of info to be on here, though!  so we will be waiting for a final word from taiwan that we are on the waiting list, which could take several weeks....but waiting is something we are very familiar with. 

found this song recently and i really like it (shocker, it's not a rend collective song, calm down)...this song is actually not much like the style of music i usually listen to, other than it's christian.  so, don't judge my taste in music by it...it's a song that keeps coming up from other pandora stations i've been listening too....and after hearing it several times on there now, i had to buy it on itunes because i can't get the chorus out of my head "you can do more in my waiting, than in my doing i can do"...so if you don't mind a bit of country dixie chick-ish twang give it a listen. :)

 

birthday eve considerations.

a month or so ago i did a brief inventory of my year.  and i relay it now not to be showy, but to remind myself in the future of what God has allowed this past year.  between the beginning of this month and the same time last year i've been to: georgia, mexico (two parts), north carolina, south carolina, indiana (on several occassions), new york, new jersey and norway. and while that might not be much traveling for some...that's a lot of adventuring for me.  i've gained two new super cute nephews this past year and grown stronger with several new and past relationships. worked alongside an incredible group growing a fine arts ministry and i've learned what seems like a gazillion things. had an amazing group of clients to work with and had jacob by my side in business another full year.  i've also grown my hair out to astronomical life-recording lengths and totally conquered a year worth of bangs. another life record all it's own : )

and as i look at turning another year older tomorrow i can't be more thankful for all i've been given.  all i've been allowed to walk through and all i've been blessed with seeing and experiencing.  as a friend reminded me recently newsboys said it best when they sang "when we don't get what we deserve, it's a real good thing and when we get what we get what we don't deserve it's a real good thing". this has literally been the best year of my life. and yet we are walking into this incredible new adventure with adoption and i'm wide eyed at the possibilities of what this next year can bring.  this boding last year of my twenties.

it's gonna rock.  let's be honest. with all it's struggles and hang ups.  all its excitements and disappointments. i'll have the same God beside me. and it's going to be fantastic.

and just in case next year i'm awakened far to early by the squeals, or cries, or giggles of kiddos, i'm going to sleep a little later and sit a little quieter and sip something frou frou-ey from starbucks for free and be extra thankful for all the not yets in my life.  and consider and pray for those also in the "already but not yets" of life. (the post i'm referring to)

why taiwan? and why now?

as we are looking at sharing our news publicly tonight, i figured these might be two of the questions people ask first.  so decided i'd just go ahead and address it as many new viewers might be sent here.
(sidenote: the quiet, more reserved side of me is so nervous to make this very public announcement!!)

my parents asked how long we had been considering adoption...and we both easily responded, from the moment we got married.  my sister was fostering our now 7 year old niece talia, the year jacob and i got married.  we talked adoption then and knew as we walked into marriage that this was something we were both super passionate about. in fact, three years ago we had an appointment with a local agency and were considering south korea, but didn't feel it was the right timing...and now we know why. God had to walk us through so much before we were parents.  he had much teaching and learning for us. he had other endeavors for us to be apart of and another country to be preparing for us.....so we've always wanted to adopt. and this organization, at least for now, doesn't allow you to already have children...so it was easy to decide bring home our taiwanese children first before pursuing biological any further. so that's the why now.

why taiwan? lots of reasons.  jacob and i love asian culture. always have.  could be because my best friend from age 3 on was chinese and i love her and her family still dearly. could be because jacob's dad has been asked on several occassions if he's asian because let's be honest all cecils have asian eyes. we're not ashamed to admit that. jacob's been obsessed with jackie chan since our early high school dating age. so while i love africa and have been to both ethiopia and south africa it wasn't where our heart really was. asia seemed right for us. many of the countries require that you are 30 and we are just shy of that. so when jacob ran into a couple that were on their way to taiwan through an incredible chiristian organization we had to learn more. and we did...and continued falling more in love with taiwan...

it was important to jacob especially that we adopt from a country that christianity was not the dominate religion.  taiwan's christianity percentage is 4% with buddhism and taoism creating the majority. and the more we researched the more our heart hurt...taiwan has the number one abortion rate per capita in the world.  the world. my heart hurts for our birth mother even now at this thought. for every one live birth there, they have three abortions.  and 90% of all single mothers there will abort their child because the stigma is so harsh for single moms...and asian culture tends to lean towards believing that life does not happen until birth. we recognize almost daily how brave our birth mother(s) must be to carry our children to full term. we pray for her often and will tell her when we meet her face to face for our first court hearing. we see this as much as an opportunity to share christ's redemption with the mom as we do our own children. God can use any and every situation to open a door to his love.

hope that explains a bit of our heart in this process.  why this country in particular is so amazing, not to mention the missionary organization we are going through. and why we, more than ever, know that now is the right time.  all the other previous posts of what God has been doing in our lives will be evidence of that as well.

and those who are using this post as their first intro to our story...let me briefly say the term "sweet potatoes" is something we began early in our process. we read an article that said taiwan is shaped like a sweet potato and for that reason the residents often refer to themselves as children of the sweet potato...hence our little sweet potato picture announcements!! :) thank you for sharing this journey with us.  we are thrilled and humbled almost daily. prayers always appreciated as we continue this journey.

forums. and new time killers.

we were added to The Home of God's Love private facebook forum last night. oh dear me.  it's amazing. 350 parents who either have finished the process a while back and their children are growing like week, just completed are are currently basking in God's amazingness and their babies snuggles, or are in our boat of still waiting and hoping. one person just posted the video of them meeting their child. 

watched it three times. cried every time. lol.

they also had pictures on there of past babies that had been adopted.

oh my word. i studied their precious little faces and cried. lol.

so.  i may have found a new place to get a little taiwanese fix ha ha.  the group is amazing. tons of advice giving and encouragement from a tight knit group of people who have ALL felt what we have. so happy to be apart of this group that i had been hearing about from the beginning of our process.

last home visit (without children!)

yesterday marked our last home visit...this side of the adoption process! the next time we'll see karalee (our social worker...super cool name, right?) will be when we HAVE our chil(ren)! super crazy to think about.  it went super smoothly...which was fantastic considering i had been up all morning sick and i didn't get to scrub and clean as much as i had intended.

she found no concerns, nothing to hold us back about and changes that needed to take place. SO...what's next.  our home study as a whole is sent to our agency in owensboro, they review it and send it to the stateside part of our tawainese organization...they review it...and send it to taiwan to be translated into mandarin (the official language of taiwan) ....and....drumroll...we get placed on the waiting list!!

and we wait.
the real waiting begins.
sigh.

we will begin our dossier now too...and praying our government gets off of it's shut down status because a majority of that needed paperwork will go through homeland security, etc.

so this HUGE home study process is done...and in a SHOCKING 5 1/2 weeks time....officially it won't be done until our last reference letter is received this week (that we didn't know we were missing), but yes.  we are done with the home study. i made a copy of all the 150 pages of paperwork last week when i sent it all to the agency last week (type A much?...was nervous it'd get lost in the mail and we'd lose everthing lol). so needless to say, between our DVD educational curriculum, mass amounts of questionnaires, fingerprinting appointments etc, AND our normal working lives and church involvement, this has easily been the busiest two months of our lives.

we. are. so. excited.

pictures!

all immediate family finally knows!! we are so excited to be able to share with more people this past week! and our film shots came back of the little sweet potato shoot we did for our announcements...see this post for explanation on the the sweet potatoes. :)

so these images will be used to make our social media announcements later this week.  our final home visit is tuesday and then we plan to make it all public news at that point! can't wait!!

 

*and super awesome shout out to my friend virginia for doing the calligraphy for us...she's crazy talented!

isaiah 54

this chapter in isaiah rocked my face off this morning.  and as i read it out loud and declared it, i just cried. and then sent it to others i knew it would also encourage. this is the message version of it.
(**preface: if you're reading this and are the parents/moms of biological children, don't take offense to this chapter at all...we still plan to try for biological children in the future as well should that be God's will in allowing...this is just encouragement to where we currently are and i'm sure has tons of symbolism that could apply to many parent across the board where they are)

Spread Out! Think Big!

54 ^1-6 “Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
    Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth!
You’re ending up with far more children
    than all those childbearing women.” God says so!
“Clear lots of ground for your tents!
    Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
    drive the tent pegs deep.
You’re going to need lots of elbow room
    for your growing family.
You’re going to take over whole nations;
    you’re going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed.
    Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short.
You’ll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
    and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
    his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
    known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
    and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young
    and then left,” says your God.

^7-8 Your Redeemer God says:

“I left you, but only for a moment.
    Now, with enormous compassion, I’m bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
    but only for a moment.
It’s with lasting love
    that I’m tenderly caring for you.

^9-10 “This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
    I promised then that the waters of Noah
    would never again flood the earth.
I’m promising now no more anger,
    no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
    and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won’t walk away from you,
    my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.”
    The God who has compassion on you says so.

^11-17 “Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
    I’m about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
    construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
    and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
    what a mentor for your children!
You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
    far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
    far from terror—it won’t even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
    don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
    nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
    who fires up his forge
    and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
    but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
    will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God’s servants can expect.
    I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.”
        God’s Decree.

the devotional i was reading this morning that led me to this chapter was talking about the middle section 11-17 where we are built with all of these stones...and how these stones are ones that must be cut out, dynamited out of rocks, torn from their current nesting spots, that they might be used to decorate and be beautiful in new ways not possible until they were put under the pressure it took to get them there.  it was really cool.  i probably just botched it, though.  lol

THEN...i read this section of verses in isaiah 29 on my own reading time and LOVED it.  i'm going to have to blow it up for our kids room for certain.  sent it to jacob, which it conveniently is written to him too ;) 

^22-24 And finally this, God’s Message for the family of Jacob,
    the same God who redeemed Abraham:
“No longer will Jacob hang his head in shame,
    no longer grow gaunt and pale with waiting.
For he’s going to see his children,
    my personal gift to him—lots of children.
And these children will honor me
    by living holy lives.
In holy worship they’ll honor the Holy One of Jacob
    and stand in holy awe of the God of Israel.
Those who got off-track will get back on-track,
    and complainers and whiners learn gratitude.”

word is spreading.

the more forms and applications that required references, the more we have found ourselves having to tell people...if for no other reason than to not be confused when they receive their reference forms in the mail they have to fill out on us. :)

so this past week (and especially weekend) we have been telling people.  sometimes i get too excited and forget to video it...but i try to remember.  the more people know the more exciting it all becomes.  our home study should be complete hopefully in the next three weeks (one more visit in two weeks) and then we'll make it public news! :) can't wait.

in the meantime...you can watch this video of jacob's mom reacting.  it's hilarious...watch her eyes as she realizes what it means.  jacob's parents are big gardners, so we told them that we had found a new vegetable at the farmers market and then handed them this basket with a sweet potato and note (see sweet potato post for explanation)...they were confused that we didn't know what a sweet potato was and that we thought it was a "new vegetable"...but then it hit :)

first home visit!

we had our first home visit today! it went SO incredible well.  we love our social/case worker. and the meeting was super informative and went smoothly....though we cleaned the house from top to bottom and she didn't leave the 2 foot radius of our kitchen table ha ha. but next time there will be lots more inspections involved.

aside from the whole things just making things seem even more real...it hit when we had to sign a paper that had us fill in our relationship to the future child.  i had to write in "mom" next to my name. happiness...in the already, but not yet.

books. and fighting.

this book is awesome. i'll probably refer to it a lot in other posts, but it's so good.

jacob will attest to the fact that i cried through the book...he's reading it next, we'll see if he does the same ha. even if you aren't adopting it's so good. the first third of the book is on God's adoption with us and it's just amazing.  pulls in so many scriptures that i hadn't reflected on in this light of adoption and was just enlightening for so many reasons.  if you are adopting, or someone you know is, or you're family or friend of someone who might ever...read it. :)

there was a theme scattered throughout the pages that was particularly interesting to me. the idea that adoption is a battle.  a fight at times...a fight to receive your child. a war. whether it be spiritual or bureaucracy at times. this intrigues me because of an incident that happened almost a year ago now.

i went to have just open worship at a friend's house one evening. and while i didn't feel like going, i went.  it had been a particularly frustrating day in many ways, but especially in the way of children.  i sat on the floor there hurt and cried.  while i prayed through the worship songs i asked God the whys...like we all do sometimes.  and many times it's not the whys we need answers to but the whys we need to accept.  but on this particular occassion i heard God clearly on the matter.  i sat there leaned up against the wall with my journal and wrote as i heard Him say, "i need you to learn to fight for them before you even have them."

now i don't know where you stand on hearing from God, but he and i are friends. we often chat about big and little things and i know that evening that this was Him and the peace that filled my previously restless heart was evidence to it.

i am timid in many areas of my life...but in the past year God has grown me in this area. i'm pretty firm when it comes to my job.  it's odd really.  i can command the attention of 24 drunk wedding party members into a creative pose, but ask me to contest an incorrectly rung up item at the grocery store and i'm mum. ha.

and i know how to fight for others. i really think i do.  i know how to pray til it hurts for someone else to see a breakthrough in their life. and i know how to encourage (***please don't take this as bragging and please don't take it as though i'm proficient, because in many ways i need to improve in all of these...this is just generally speaking***). but when it comes to fighting for me, i often come up very short. i feel underserving.  i feel bothersome. and after that evening it all began to change.

i didn't know what it meant to fight for my children...and heaven knows i still don't.  and may never really! but i grow in this and God teaches me more all the time. but i fight a lot more these days. i have tried to realize who I am in God's kingdom with bible verses that point to who I am in Him and step into that.  I'm more than a conqueror (romans 8:37). I'm uncontested (romans 8:31-34).  I'm unstoppable (phillipians 4:13). and while i don't exemplify these always, it's a process.

so when i read through this book and it hinted at adoption being the process of fighting for your children and battling for them...another piece clicked that we are here in this moment for a reason. in this phase and adventure at the perfect timing. and God is always teaching me as i'm sure he is with you...and it's across the board. biological children or adopted, parents or singles.

i'm so excited to have little ones to fight for.

the here and not yet here.

i buy cute little books for my clients that are 365/5 year journals that are fun where they can jot down little one-liners from their adventures together the first 5 years of marriage. and i accidentally purchased the "mothers' version last time.  and instead of returning it or exchanging it, it has remained next to my computer. i read over the "mother" title (which was so tiny, sheesh, anyone could have made the mistake, come on companies!) and it was very foreign. and yet, the more days it sat there, and the more paperwork we fill out in this office, on this desk, the more i see it.

i was reading in my book, adopted for life, this past weekend and finished it. more on it later. but the last pages had me balling. i just have to copy and past some of it....it looks long, but it's not just read it.  my favorite part is where it's underlined.

 

and it was then as i read it that several things hit me. one that this is my life...and everyone's life...a state of "here, and yet not here; already and not yet." it's so true. how many of our prayers are already answered and yet we don't see the answer. things are already in motion for our requests and yet we don't see. so many of my prayers over ministry and children and being used by God in big ways are in the works, i just may not see them.

and the other thing that hit me was that it's possible that now or next week or in a month or a month ago my child(ren) may have been born. and while i'm not there with them, God is. and while i'm not technically a mother yet, God is preparing me. 

so today i picked up the 365 mother journal and began jotting down a few things on the days past. i'm curious after our referral and we know their age and date of birth, to see what i was doing on that day they were born.  was i especially upset or frustrated in not knowing them. was i incredibly hopeful that day, almost knowing in my spirit that they were there. or was i walking out a day in God's plans, oblivious to his divine plan unfolding on the complete otherside of the world. it's incredibly exciting to think about now. and while we have been praying so very much for our birth mother and her bravery, this mother-to-be begins to pray for our child who in whatever physical reality is "here and yet not here; already and not yet."

first breakdown. 'twas inevitable.

my first mini emotional breakdown lol.  it had to come right? there were lots of things involved in how it came about, but i kinda lost it last night. we worked on paperwork for about 2-3 hours and while we are getting ever so close to finishing (this part...not done by any means)...i balled.

you're sitting there reading through questions that ask you about your current concerns: are you nervous your child won't call you mom, are you concerned they'll not attach, are you concerned about financial investment...well duh questionaire.  that's across the board with any soon to be parents, not just those that adopt, but in our case we are asked to consider these, weigh them out, and respond to them. it's intense. and tends to spurr on a million of your own fears...what if it takes 10x longer than they say. like so many things have in my life it seems. what if they are past the age that they'll want to snuggle with me. i love snuggling. will they??

jacob was super comforting and supportive as he always is. he's a rock man. so amazing. 

i must continuously quote the scripture that has carried me the past year. it's one i've clung to. yelled out, prayed, and cried out sometimes in anger...

"...those who hope in me will not be dissapointed" isaiah 49:23b

i may dissapointed sometimes with timings or how things go...but when my whole hope and my whole heart is wrapped into God's, i'm not dissapointed because of the complete understanding that God always does what is best for me.  his word tells me and i live it out. everything he allows or doesn't allow is working out an ultimate amazing story that reflects HIM best and shows HIS glory most effectively.  and when i gave up my life to allow him in, that's what i signed up for...i signed up for his story and his constant work in my life.  so regardless of how long things take or don't take this is my mantra, that those who hope in him will not be dissapointed.  i continually hope in him, knowing that as i hand it all back over to him he will work it in a way that i will not be dissapointed if i trust in him.

i choose to trust him.

God and how we deal with happiness.

as we drove from michigan over last weekend i had a realization that startled me a bit into some deep consideration.  we were listening to the soundtrack of our life again, the rend collective experiment.  seriously.  have you still not bought it? yes, i'm going to add another song link below to explain this story...but just go buy it already. lol.

so we were listening to this song and it hit me what our past week of vacation had really looked like.  i had brought my bible...and not opened it once. confession time. i was so embarrassed. and it's not like i hadn't prayed that week, or talked to God, or hadn't thought of him.  adoption is his heart, i think of how it relates to him almost daily these days (especially as i read through adopted for life...oh my word...whole post on that in the future), but i had an opportunity to sit and be with him that week and in my excitement of adoption and bustle of paperwork, had ignored that opportunity.

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

i've read in lots of places how hard times bring us closer to God...if we allow it that is.  these past two years...and especially these past six months have been the hardest in my life and yet my relationship with Christ has never been stronger.  i know him and understand him in ways i never could have had we not been through the stretching and pulling He allowed.  i'm FOREVER thankful.  would never trade our experiences for anything.  my growth in Him has been exponential.

and YET...when things get exciting or are turning directions in so many ways (not just children wise), i begin to disregard the opportunities i'm given to once again draw close to him because of various other fun things on my mind. that's not okay. so, not okay.  so as i listened to this song and i was reminded that i am NOTHING but "dry bones" and a "desert soul" without him on a consistant basis.  without his fresh revelation in my life, it doesn't matter what happinesses come my way...because they pale and are (or should) be nothing in comparison to what he offers me (please read all the "he" and "him" in uppercase, i don't use caps lock).

so i was humbled on our drive home.  that in no matter the state we are in in life, to continuously seek him. 

"all that i am is dry bones without you lord, a desert soul...you are exactly what we need, only you can satisfy"

 

furious writing and first excitements....

we drove home from michigan today and immediately went to church....then immediately came home to finish THOGL application so it can be sent out tomorrow. we could hardly get unpacked before we were working on it!! but as we drove from michigan to indiana over the weekend (to shoot a wedding in my sister's hometown) we scoured the bible and websites for baby names...since they wanted us to consider those and list them out.  so that was fun.

on our way to indiana, we realized that our application required references, that couldn't be family, and that needed to be members of our church since our faith background is so important to the organization in taiwan.  so we were left in a conundrum.   we weren't going to tell anyone about the adopting until we finished the home study...however...in asking for our pastor's reference as well as several other involved church members'...we realized this isn't going to work.  no only did we need to give those individuals a heads up, but we didn't want our family to be last to know.

so. my sister was first since we weren't sure when we would see her again, especially in person.  so friday night we divulged our secret and they were SOO excited to say the least.  my sister has already adopted once and so she was an excellent person to begin with.  she's a wealth of knowledge and help and was equally as excited as we were!!  we are trying to inform others as we can next week!

ALSO...over the weekend we were assigned our social/case worker for our home studies etc and are getting those scheduled.  everything is going so quickly and i feel a bit in a whirlwind of papers and appointments.

first approvals!!

we got our go ahead approval from taiwan last night to continue moving forward!! we received it around midnight in our email...so in our tiredness there wasn't as much excitement as i felt there should be for our first set of approvals.  but that's okay...

we contacted ABI (our agency) and told them we were given the go ahead to move forward and so we mailed our application to them officially with that fee and they sent us our packet....and by packet i should say small novella....of forms and paperwork to begin with.  we are in michigan currently so we ran to a kinkos and had all 60+ pages printed out (because it would even be cheaper then printing them all on my computer when we got home).  and started looking through it all.  talk about daunting.  i mean.  whoa.  but we put it on the back burner til we got home because the first application due was to THOGL (the home of god's love, the organization in taiwan).  so looked through all the questions and prepared some answers.  they asked what names we were considering! wow.  seemed a bit premature!!

moving forward!

still waiting...and growing excitement.

it's friday.

we sent our email on monday...which clearly was an eternity ago.

do the cecils EVER understand patience in our six years of marriage. but this kind is different.

jacob and i had a meeting about some non traditional teaching opportunities early this week and at the end of the meeting the gentleman we had just met asked us if we had children and after we replied not yet, he was a bit more insistant on the awesomeness of it and asked if we had plans to create a family.  sometimes that's rude, but not with him, he was geniunely interested and kind.  so for a very awkward 3-4 seconds jacob and i looked at each other because while we haven't really told people, there was no harm in telling this man who had little to no connections with anyone else we knew...so why not.

we're actually adopting, we told him! we explained that we had just started the process...and he was SO excited. it was fun...so fun...to tell him, to see someone excited with us that didn't know us...and i forsee a lot more of that coming.

sleeping has been tricky this week.  the madness of our schedules, random obligations, and work keeps us going pretty constantly, but when it comes to bedtime, i'm able to think about the future and then it's hard to fall asleep.  is our baby born yet? when were they born? what was i doing the day they came into the world??

i was driving today and was thinking if there would be time in our future together as a family to do all the things i've always wanted to do...art projects...squeal! teaching them their letters by handing them a holga film camera and telling them to photograph everything that starts with an "a"...lol.

then a friend showed me this article today and once again my mind wanders...off of editing pictures, or of blog posts and what we're supposed to pack for an upcoming trip....wander to our little one(s) and the activities we shall do together!!!

here's that article...it's flippin' awesome...especially scroll through the bottom at all the tons of drawings this mom and daughter did together...

request for permission to continue.

we didn't wait long at all to get the ball rolling.  and i love that we started on september first with the actual legal process, fresh month, fresh beginning. writing a letter to the heads of the missionary program in taiwan turned out to be more daunting of a task than we anticipated and were up to 1 this morning writing, erasing, and proofing. 

you picture it.  in one email, you're putting yourself out there. explaining who you are, as individuals and couples to someone you've never met.  trying to explaing your background and your stability in Christ while also sounding not boring and that you love kids. :) it was a joint effort to write, but mine and jacob's writing voices are far different.  we included pictures of ourselves...and even that was difficult...too professional looking, too serious, too artsy, this one's fun, we look normal and happy here. ha ha.  though it wasn't requested we included full group pictures of our entire families because they are going to be welcomed into such a large group of awesomeness (see, there's that word again).

so. we just hit send.  we thought on it all day and finalized it and just emailed it.  eeks. 

here we go.

like for real.

that email's out there.  and someone's gonna read it.  and they're gonna know we're serious.

this email was to see if the organization in taiwan is willing to work with us.  the two missionaries that head it up pray over each applicant. which blows my mind and melts my heart equally.  they are essentially the ones that place us with a child(ren) and so they have to give us permission to continue with the home study and so we were writing to explain ourselves as well as request to move forward.  i have no idea how long that takes, could be returned back with info tomorrow....or in a week.  we shall!

tattoos and our current adoption secrecy.

i'm certain that at some point i'll actually share this blog.  and when i do...i foresee a slew of questions regarding why we haven't told people at this point about our plans.  and we have lots of reasons.

at this point we are looking to start and complete our home study. all blessings (from here forward, ABI) assures that process can take a month or less for us.  and really, after the homestudy we wait for the referral...of course there's tons of more legal work after the home study, but to get things going in taiwan, all they really care about is seeing the home study completed...not even the dossier is required to begin that...but obviously we must also complete that. so we want this major step behind us before telling people.

but why still?

i look at it how i did getting my tattoo.  shock alert to anyone who wasn't aware the straight-laced cara dee did in fact get a tattoo. it's very visible, i'm not hiding it....here's a shot of it my friend nina mullins took when we were in norway of it...

jacob and i felt strongly about getting these tattoos.  as you've already come to realize it's been a very up and down two years and hebrews 6:19 "for we have this hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure", has been another verse we have clung to. so for his birthday last year we both got these.  for each other, for reminders of who our hope lies in.

we knew there would be people who disagreed with our decision of getting them and who probably wouldn't understand and would probably have their opinion to offer on the matter both biblically and otherwise.  but it was an "us" thing and  "God" thing...and so we did it.

jacob and i have felt strongly about adoption for YEARS. it didn't even just start when i went to ethiopia to document the mullins adoption over two years ago...but it definitely confirmed it.  in fact, after we returned from south africa over two years ago we met with a local agency to start the adoption process and for various other reasons deteremined it was not the right time.  and now it is.

we expect to hear questions of if we have given up on having children biologically.  and that answer is no. but even if we chose to not try for biological anymore...i'm not entirely sure that would be everyone else's business. taiwan prefers you have no other children and so to follow through with the adoption there we plan to keep biological endeavors at bay. we feel strongly about adoption...and now. and while we have no idea what God has in store biologically, we will cross that when we get there.

in that same statement. adoption is not our plan b. never was. and remains that way. as i said we had plans to start this path years ago and were detoured for reasons only God currently understands...but we have come back to it now and are more excited than ever...and that's something God has been growing in our hearts.

so why haven't we told people.  because it's a God thing.  and an us thing. and we are getting our own heads wrapped around it before exposing it to all the world's own opinions and statements.  we wanted to know more about the process and the country and be more "prepared" in a way, if that's even really possible.  we know there will be questions, even good ones and positive ones, but we want to read up and feel a bit more knowledable in it all before that time.

so once our home study is complete in the next month, we will probably tell close friends and family...and then go public with it. 

first agency meeting.

we met with the agency today.

there's not even words.

jacob and i shut the doors to our car after it was over and the tears began.  and as one of my dear adoptive friends told me, i shouldn't expect to stop crying for many, many more months.

the situation with this agency...and actually the missionary organization we will be working with in taiwan is far above any expectation we had.  i can't even begin to explain all of it.  while we are braced for an 18 month process...it is far more likely that it will be a 9 month or less time period.

and while we were praying for confirmation as we went into the meeting...we felt nothing but green lights.  HOWEVER...God didn't stop there...because sometimes our emotions can fail us, right?  so while i was all in and we both felt the giant "go ahead" florescent light strobing over our heads it wasn't until later that evening that God really confirmed it for me.

remember yesterday when i posted about luke 14:26-27? well.  as we searched later this evening to read and find anything we could on our organization (home of God's love) to learn...we found a video showcasing the missionaries and how they work with the orphans there.  and the video OPENED with matthew 16:22

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[f] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

a different gospel's version of the very verse that had in question yesterday.  it was almost to say that while i was ready to forfeit, God wasn't requiring that at all in this area...this time.

so we have lots to get started on and feel very confident and ecstatic in the process ahead...i could go on and on.  but really i should just like insert a video of happy crying lol.

second thoughts.

as jacob and i were in the car today, i confessed i had second thoughts.  not about adoption, but about the timing.  it all stemmed from a major break through i had two weeks prior on my backyard swing.  on the swing i gave it all over to God. kids. ministry. life. and while i'd done that on multiple occassions in the past, i did it for real this time and afresh. not sure i realized that it has to be almost a daily thing.

i was ready to get serious.

i listened to this song...

 

lyrics:

Come set Your rule and reign
In our hearts again
Increase in us we pray
Unveil why we're made
Come set our hearts ablaze with hope
Like wildfire in our very souls
Holy Spirit come invade us now
We are Your Church
We need Your power
In us

We seek Your kingdom first
We hunger and we thirst
Refuse to waste our lives
For You're our joy and prize
To see the captive hearts released
The hurt; the sick; the poor at peace
We lay down our lives for Heaven's cause
We are Your church
We pray revive
This Earth

Build Your kingdom here
Let the darkness fear
Show Your mighty hand
Heal our streets and land
Set Your church on fire
Win this nation back
Change the atmosphere
Build Your kingdom here
We pray

Unleash Your kingdom's power
Reaching the near and far
No force of hell can stop
Your beauty changing hearts
You made us for much more than this
Awake the kingdom seed in us
Fill us with the strength and love of Christ
We are Your church
We are the hope
On Earth

and once again, i  understood that our lives are for kingdom purposes. all the lyrics were incredible that day...i see God's kingdom blowing up everywhere....friends are seeing healings on uk's campus, situations are moving into place that i could not rearrange myself. and so that day i decided to give up moving in my own motives. and as i drove to shoot a wedding that evening i discovered this song on the album...and balled...because every word i'd praying on that swing was in THIS song...

 

lyrics

 I'm saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind
And follow You
I'll walk the narrow road
'cause it leads me to You
I'll fall but grace
Will pick me up again
I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it
I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous
But Lord You're beautiful
I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
'cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed
Jesus
Take my all
Take my everything
I've counted up the cost
And You're worth everything

(just go buy the album already...seriously. it's probably not just my soundtrack to life, it's probably the soundtrack to your life too...and it's only $7.99...okay off soapbox)

okay....so back to the car ride...sorry (see what i mean about not being able to stop typing)...that afternoon i couldn't get this scripture out of my head.

²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

luke 14:26-27

and as i sat thinking on that verse as i drove to the event and back...i realized that within that scripture he asks us to hate "...and children..."....our version of love has to look like hate when compared to the love of christ.  i remember sermons of this from david platt's "radical" series.  i felt like maybe God was calling me to put aside my desire for kids right then to run more passionately forward with whatever other callings he had on my life at that point.

and while i thought this....i hadn't verbalized it really to anyone.  until jacob in the car driving. so we are preparing to go to this agency meeting to really see what it all involves and we are praying for God to give us a sense of either "absolutely" or "not now".  while simultaneously realizing that God just might say the latter...and in a weird way. i'm okay with that.  i'm prepared for that.  because if there's been ANYTHING i've learned in the past two years, it's been that His plans are rarely mine...and rightfully so...i would have messed it all up.  he's far better at surprises than i am with my plans.

our sweet potato.

tonight we celebrated jacob's birthday.  it's not until next weekend, but we live pretty packed schedule's these days and this was our only night to go out together.  so after dinner we went to dairy queen...and sat on our phones...not playing candy crush (confession. i play it. judging may commence now. it's a hidden secret of mine)...no we were wiki-pedia-ing anything we could find on taiwan.

i want to know the culture. i want to know who they're at odds with.  i want to know that their main language is mandarin chinese.  i want to know what country likes which other country. what your little island is like...and in doing so...i have your nick name already.

"taiwan is shaped like a sweet potato," read one article, "and for that reason, many taiwanese, refer to themselves as 'children of the sweet potato'." so.  as our child makes it's way further into our heart...he/she already has a nick name.

our little sweet potato.

it's beginning.

the appointment is made for all blessings international. as i spoke over the phone setting up the meeting...i was told that we did in fact seem like the perfect candidates for taiwan, the country we are looking into. which is what any future adoptive mom wants to hear. whoa. i just wrote mom. too much madness in one post. the excitement is escalating quickly.

#cloudsofhope #flagsoffaithfulness: an explanation

for months now, many have seen my nearly incessant instagram posts (have you caught on i'm a photographer yet...) featuring clouds and then hashtagged with #cloudsofhope and #flagsoffaithfulness.  several of you have even caught on and been looking to the sky with your own pictures and hashtags and i love that!! while it has been a theme for my and jacob's lives for many  months now, it does not merely encompass our desire for children.  because, our hope in life encompasses far more than seeking to raise kids.

the two visuals (flags of faithfulness and clouds of hope) are based in two scriptures that we have been holding to...the first is where elijah goes to pray for rain after a long drought...

⁴² So Ahab went off to eat and drink, but Elijah climbed to the top of Carmel, bent down to the ground and put his face between his knees.
⁴³ “Go and look toward the sea,” he told his servant. And he went up and looked.
“There is nothing there,” he said.
Seven times Elijah said, “Go back.”
⁴⁴ The seventh time the servant reported, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.”
So Elijah said, “Go and tell Ahab, ‘Hitch up your chariot and go down before the rain stops you.’”
⁴⁵ Meanwhile, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain started falling and Ahab rode off to Jezreel. ⁴⁶ The power of the Lord came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel.

1 kings 18:42-46 (niv version)

jacob and i immediately fell in love with this passage that was recounted in the book "sun stand still".  (so good...maybe go get it) the idea that elijah went and bent down on the ground in prayer to God was statement enough...then it tells us he also put his face between his knees....Elijah blocked out everything.  he blocked out what he could SEE to pray for what he could not see.  it was an experience jacob and i were becoming more familiar with.  our lives in the past year or two have been full events that required us to close our eyes, pray and while we didn't see anything, believe.  it was like this with jacob quiting his 5 year teaching position to join me in photography, like when we felt we were supposed to go to a large photography workshop when neither of us had "jobs' per se and yet were handed in three days time the amount of work needed to get the monetary funds to attend the workshop...i could go on and on...but this story resonated so deeply in us.  but that's not even the best part!!  elijah prays and has his servant go look and see if it's raining yet and it's not...and again...and again...SEVEN times the servant goes to check for rain and nothing.

unanswered prayers.  been there too. feeling so much hope and yet not seeing answers. it's hard.  but we are in love with a God who i know, without a shadow of a doubt, has our best interest in mind. and without that, hope would have been gone long ago.

SO....eventually the servant sees "a cloud as small as a man's hand" rising up...OH THE HOPE! and then before they can get back down the mountain it's pouring.  the symbolism chokes me up everytime.  and there are so many times in the past six+ months that i look at the sky...whether it's EMPTY and all blue, has only ONE cloud, or is full of DARK BILLOWY storms...and cry because God is on the move.  He is constantly on the move...and when i SEE the clouds I think...

^9-10 I’m thanking you, God, out loud in the streets,
    singing your praises in town and country.
The deeper your love, the higher it goes;
    every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness.

psalm 57:10 (the message version)

every cloud i see these days is a screaming reminder of a God who is FAITHFUL, who REMEMBERS little 'ol us...who has a PLAN for this little couple in kentucky and i'm wrecked.

and that's why as i start this blog while it is intended to document us as we begin the adoption process..it is so very much more.  because jacob and i are hopeful for far more and our kids will know that.  our hope is not in children...our hope is in the Creator of them.  our excitement isn't found in receiving our referral (which believe me, i've already cried at the thought), it's the God that already planned that path out for us before jacob and i were born. long after we have a child(ren) in our arms we will still cry at the clouds because God has more in mind than giving us children. and he also has many more trials ahead of us to learn and walk through because life as a christian isn't easy, but it is. ever. so. stinkin'. worth it.  he has an art ministry for us (and the other couple that helps us head it up) that is growing and evolving in ways we never saw possible just under a year ago (www.livingstonesfinearts.com).  he has people we are preparing to meet that are in desperate need of christ's love and supernatural touch in their life and i can't wait to see what God has in store...so when you see clouds, think God.  when you look to the sky, remember his faithfulness.  and when it rains, it's okay to cry.

(and because when i started blogging i found myself unable to stop writing...i've included pictures.  because if you're anything like me when you see lots of words you're likely to stop reading.  don't lie. you thought it :)...so the images shown throughout are holga images from a series that will be in living stones fall art show...which of course is entitled "clouds of hope")

p.s. when i began i didn't intend on writing this much...i'm finding it hard now to hold back things that God has helped us realize...so.  this is me apologizing...but not apologizing at all for all the words.

our story.

on numerous occassions over the past several months, i've started a list of what our story has entailed.  the ups and downs of the cecils' marriage...and more specifically what God has brought us through the past two and a half years as we have looked towards starting a family.  each time the list full of dates and events has been left, half done and severely lacking in something.

not until recently when our pastor spoke on the idea of our story within God's story did i realize what the problem had been when it came to writing this out...i had too often been identifying myself with the events and far less on what God has done in these events.  with certainty, i can tell you that the past two-ish years of mine and jacob's marriage has been by and far the most growing, difficult and Christ-enriching years.

when i look at our walk in our marriage through christ's filter i see awesomeness (it's a word. promise. i use it all the time.)  when i prayed three years ago about wanting to see God as a healer...how i wanted to see a healing in my lifetime, a true to life one...i didn't envision him using me.  i saw healing in myself in the past two years through various health issues i've dealt with on a personal basis.  you see, how can i relate and know God as my healer unless i am need of him as that.

christ as comforter.  it was more a line in a christmas carol to me than an actualization until the past year.  not until He placed me in situations where at that moment there was no one i could call, no one around that understood, and no one that fully got my thought process or current predicament did i find myself leaning whole heartedly on Him. that's not a position we seek out in our lives, but when we pray to know God more and understand him better...he is more than willing to allow us to be tested that we would fully lean on him as our best friend, a constant and a rock. 

God's word...a lifeline of promises.  seemed like a silly christian-ese quote someone would throw at you when they don't understand what you're going through, but have heard the bible is supposed to help. i've been there.  while as a christian i know the importance of the bible, i've not tested it nor clung it as i have in the past several years. it's been a nearly daily reminder through the "dontdefineme365" instagram project i started back in january (feel free to follow, there's still 1/3 of the year left, and i get reference scriptures off it all the time when i need a verse) to look into the word for strength, hope and identity. only the truth of God's word defines me.  not a world that says i'm failing in this way or that because of what i have done or not done with my life. so when God tells me i'm enough (2 peter 1:3,4), not dissapointed (isaiah 49:23), splendorous (isaiah 49:2), and not alone (matthew 28:20) or that i'm ever forgotten (isaiah 49:15, 16) than i find myself encouraged as of late.

you see our story isn't one simply compiled of events that make us hurt or excited, it's a constant reflection of God...a daily newness of what He has done and is doing...it's always changing and always moving.