the here and not yet here.

i buy cute little books for my clients that are 365/5 year journals that are fun where they can jot down little one-liners from their adventures together the first 5 years of marriage. and i accidentally purchased the "mothers' version last time.  and instead of returning it or exchanging it, it has remained next to my computer. i read over the "mother" title (which was so tiny, sheesh, anyone could have made the mistake, come on companies!) and it was very foreign. and yet, the more days it sat there, and the more paperwork we fill out in this office, on this desk, the more i see it.

i was reading in my book, adopted for life, this past weekend and finished it. more on it later. but the last pages had me balling. i just have to copy and past some of it....it looks long, but it's not just read it.  my favorite part is where it's underlined.

 

and it was then as i read it that several things hit me. one that this is my life...and everyone's life...a state of "here, and yet not here; already and not yet." it's so true. how many of our prayers are already answered and yet we don't see the answer. things are already in motion for our requests and yet we don't see. so many of my prayers over ministry and children and being used by God in big ways are in the works, i just may not see them.

and the other thing that hit me was that it's possible that now or next week or in a month or a month ago my child(ren) may have been born. and while i'm not there with them, God is. and while i'm not technically a mother yet, God is preparing me. 

so today i picked up the 365 mother journal and began jotting down a few things on the days past. i'm curious after our referral and we know their age and date of birth, to see what i was doing on that day they were born.  was i especially upset or frustrated in not knowing them. was i incredibly hopeful that day, almost knowing in my spirit that they were there. or was i walking out a day in God's plans, oblivious to his divine plan unfolding on the complete otherside of the world. it's incredibly exciting to think about now. and while we have been praying so very much for our birth mother and her bravery, this mother-to-be begins to pray for our child who in whatever physical reality is "here and yet not here; already and not yet."