second thoughts.

as jacob and i were in the car today, i confessed i had second thoughts.  not about adoption, but about the timing.  it all stemmed from a major break through i had two weeks prior on my backyard swing.  on the swing i gave it all over to God. kids. ministry. life. and while i'd done that on multiple occassions in the past, i did it for real this time and afresh. not sure i realized that it has to be almost a daily thing.

i was ready to get serious.

i listened to this song...

 

lyrics:

Come set Your rule and reign
In our hearts again
Increase in us we pray
Unveil why we're made
Come set our hearts ablaze with hope
Like wildfire in our very souls
Holy Spirit come invade us now
We are Your Church
We need Your power
In us

We seek Your kingdom first
We hunger and we thirst
Refuse to waste our lives
For You're our joy and prize
To see the captive hearts released
The hurt; the sick; the poor at peace
We lay down our lives for Heaven's cause
We are Your church
We pray revive
This Earth

Build Your kingdom here
Let the darkness fear
Show Your mighty hand
Heal our streets and land
Set Your church on fire
Win this nation back
Change the atmosphere
Build Your kingdom here
We pray

Unleash Your kingdom's power
Reaching the near and far
No force of hell can stop
Your beauty changing hearts
You made us for much more than this
Awake the kingdom seed in us
Fill us with the strength and love of Christ
We are Your church
We are the hope
On Earth

and once again, i  understood that our lives are for kingdom purposes. all the lyrics were incredible that day...i see God's kingdom blowing up everywhere....friends are seeing healings on uk's campus, situations are moving into place that i could not rearrange myself. and so that day i decided to give up moving in my own motives. and as i drove to shoot a wedding that evening i discovered this song on the album...and balled...because every word i'd praying on that swing was in THIS song...

 

lyrics

 I'm saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind
And follow You
I'll walk the narrow road
'cause it leads me to You
I'll fall but grace
Will pick me up again
I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it
I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous
But Lord You're beautiful
I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
'cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed
Jesus
Take my all
Take my everything
I've counted up the cost
And You're worth everything

(just go buy the album already...seriously. it's probably not just my soundtrack to life, it's probably the soundtrack to your life too...and it's only $7.99...okay off soapbox)

okay....so back to the car ride...sorry (see what i mean about not being able to stop typing)...that afternoon i couldn't get this scripture out of my head.

²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

luke 14:26-27

and as i sat thinking on that verse as i drove to the event and back...i realized that within that scripture he asks us to hate "...and children..."....our version of love has to look like hate when compared to the love of christ.  i remember sermons of this from david platt's "radical" series.  i felt like maybe God was calling me to put aside my desire for kids right then to run more passionately forward with whatever other callings he had on my life at that point.

and while i thought this....i hadn't verbalized it really to anyone.  until jacob in the car driving. so we are preparing to go to this agency meeting to really see what it all involves and we are praying for God to give us a sense of either "absolutely" or "not now".  while simultaneously realizing that God just might say the latter...and in a weird way. i'm okay with that.  i'm prepared for that.  because if there's been ANYTHING i've learned in the past two years, it's been that His plans are rarely mine...and rightfully so...i would have messed it all up.  he's far better at surprises than i am with my plans.