goodness in the land...

i woke up in the middle of the night last night and while i'm normally incredibly groggy, this time immediately the phrase "i will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" came into my mind. i easily went back to sleep and looked up the scripture reference when i woke up this morning.

"I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
(psalm 27:13-14)

how sweet of God to give me that after a hard week of waiting. really. he's the kindest one i know.

it's now been over a month since the original governmentt meeting and two weeks ago they had a second/additional meeting where more paperwork was provided.  we were told that monday that a decision would be made by the following day.  and now here we are two more weeks out and another weekend comes with no decision. 

i have tried to reassure family in the last week or so and i'll do the same with those that read this. i do not know a single friend who has internationally adopted that has not experienced this in some form: government changing laws, the government making big decisions, saying they'll tell you a certain day and rarely following through.  i was initially naive to think the same issues would not come up with us, but unfortunately it has been the case.

in the middle of this all, though, we have received all kinds of encouragement and God has been doing some crazy things in our lives and in our faith, especially jacob's.  i hope we will be able to share several amazing posts about these last two weeks once we receive our referral.  but we are far from hopeless and incredibly confident that things will continue to move forward with our orphanage.  that it will receive it's licensing and that it will continue forward.

that being said. i am tired.  it's been somewhat difficult to explain but i've really felt emotionally drained.  we have been doing a lot of praying and battling and i would be lying to say that my mind hasn't been in taiwan much of the last two weeks especially.  as a friend and i were discussing it's not even the waiting that i'm struggling with but the government....a referral i am prepared to wait for. child(ren) i am planning for and know that God will provide...it's this truly obnoxious in between state where we are waiting for the government to give the final okay that things are in fact going to move forward.  and it's their inability to follow through with even a remotely timely response that has been so annoying. so when i woke up friday morning, knowing it was already evening in taiwan, i was pretty bummed...knowing that it was now the weekend, businesses were closed, and no decisions could come until at least monday.

but it's when these restless times hit that God is his most encouraging and kind to wake us up in the night and whisper his promises that we will continue to see His goodness as we have in so many other ways already. and it's when he nudges us to say "be strong, take heart, and wait".

taiwan update

this is what we sent out to some friends and family earlier today...

Taiwan update:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭6‬:‭12‬ NIV)

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. (‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭10‬:‭3-4‬ NIV)

In the last month these concepts of fighting an invisible war have been hammered into jacob and I through sermons, random prayers from friends and personal study. and as we got an update and had some conversations with people this morning we feel that is what we are looking at here. Taiwan has the highest abortion rate per capita in the world and that alone should explain the spiritual atmosphere of their country. but as of this morning the meeting is over but no decision has been made in the matter of the orphanage closing or remaining open. but apparently the orphanage's Christian practices of going about their adoptions as they feel God has led them has given the govt a lot of extra trouble and hassle and that's why no answer has been made. we don't mean to send out such a lengthy update but if you are continuing praying with us we want you to be aware of what we feel like we are up against....something God can easily handle. thanks for your continued prayers!

prayers please...

tonight at 10pm our (eastern) time it'll be 10am taiwan time and our orphanage has a meeting with government officials to decide if our orphanage is able to move forward with adoptions or if their license will be suspended for two years.

i got this information late last night and was obviously very shocked. i didn't know that decision was still on the table for debate and i definitely didn't expect to hear any news or updates until august when they were re-evaluated.

this is how it goes with adoption, though.  but we have had a somewhat supernatural, interesting week already and have had several experiences that have prepared us for just a day like today.  so we are praying today and have texted several other friends and family to do the same.

we have been led to believe that this is normally a quickly resolved item and they will hopefully know immediately...but that doesn't mean we will know immediately (as always). so as soon as i know news i'll post, but appreciate prayers in the meantime.

on the upside i feel oddly excited about this...because as the approval goes through this evening that could mean an even higher likelihood of us knowing more in August pertaining to our child. So we are praying confidently and with faith today. Thanks for the same! :)

squash epiphanies.

currently on my kitchen counter there are nine squash, six zuchinni and eight (and a half i got snacky) cucumbers.  this is after making six veggie lasagnas and eight jars of pickles this last week. we have veggies coming out our ears right now and that's not even counting tomatoes that will be in full force this next week from our 15ish tomato plants. yikes.

so. i'm pretty pumped about this to say the least. food prep is not only a personal challenge and creative outlet for me, but in recent months a necessity. so yesterday while i was trying to decide another way to freeze squash it hit me...

we are 90% certain we will be bring our child(ren) home in winter time at this point.
and they'll likely be of the age to be testing foods.
meaning...that the squash on my counter right now will be my child's winter meals!!!

i don't know why certain things hit me more than others. but the idea that i was no longer freezing all these veggies just for us was a huge reality check.

**quick update on the "home in winter time" statement. in the past several weeks we have received word that our orphange will be up for re-evaluation in august. that is assumed to go easily and smoothly, more a formality. once that is complete, they can start new adoptions and take in more babies...as it is, they are currently only able to work on those cases that had been started previously and cannot take in more children. there is also a pregnant women's safe house that provides a majority of the babies in our orphanage. apparently that safe house is busting with new pregnant moms that are deciding to put their children up for adoption. they are very eager for our orphanage to open up its doors again. for this reason...we have been led to believe that come august there could be a huge boom of referrals. EEKS. we are obviously very pumped about this news...while trying to maintain a very reserved excitement level. looking at current average timelines, IF we received our referral in august/september-ish it would probably mean travel around november/december-ish. which would mean the best birthday presents in the fall for both me and jacob...as well as all we could ever want for thanksgiving and christmas. all of this could easily be speculative and could change also. we definitely know things can go differently, but we continue to push forward in hope and pray judges continue to move cases through quickly.**

back to squash.

i caught myself sending a text out this morning to a friend that after the fact stopped me in my tracks.  it was a simple text about some things i had been researching about food (including squash freezing) and i said "i feel like this is something i can totally do!" (in reference to feeding my future child)...and while initially that shouldn't cause any concern, the wise friend's response was to rely on God in the situation and believe in his goodness to cover those circumstances as they come more than relying on any actions i can take or things i can do. it was then i realized what i had texted "i can do this..." wasn't it this blog post just weeks ago that i said i never want to be in a state of not being dependent on God again.  it's so easy to slip into that mindset. i was pumped because something that had seemed very daunting to me now seemed totally achievable...by my own doing. did i think all this new knowledge came magically to me? God has had me on this path of learning for months and he is, even now, helping to educate me on how to be the best mom to our future child.

God, continue to help me rely on you.  i never want to parent without His help. i don't want to (be wise in my own eyes...see last post) ever come to place where i think i can do this parenting thing, or know how to feed my child, or know how to discipline without Him.  i want to be desperate for Him in all areas...and while that's a scary desire because it's a hard one to walk out, isn't that what we signed up for when we became a christian? i need his guidance in all parts of life, from how i am a mom and share Christ with my child to best way to carry out my job.

so as i become excited about veggies in my garden feeding my child, i am simultaneously eager to see how God leads me to parent this particular child that he is giving specifically to us. he is placing a child with us that only we can parent and that is uniquely designed for this cecil family. and neither is possible without his complete guidance. may we never view squash the same. :)

wisdom and grace.

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. 7Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil" (proverbs 3:6-7)

this scripture hit me in the gut about a month ago.  and it's been the basis for many of my thoughts in the weeks since. this is a very growing time in mine and jacob's lives. we have been learning so much not only in our relationship with God, but in many other aspects like health, food, relationships and callings. it's easy when you are in a heavy gleaning time of life to feel wise.

so let me be the first to make a public apology. i don't understand it all.  or even an inkling. 

around that same time a month or so ago i was in a discussion with someone about how when adam and eve fell/sinned in the garden...everything fell.  ever since the introduction of sin, earth has been in an imperfect state...that includes a fallen state not only in our hearts, but in the earth and in animals, in the weather, everything.  and while we have received forgiveness through Christ's death on the cross, we are still living in a fallen world where the natural processes of life continue in a imperfect state all around us. and as i thought on this for a few days, i became overwhelmed by the idea of God being all-knowing and His understanding of everything going on in my life.  what i see going on around me is with a skewed view, but he sees ever so clearly. i don't see half of what He is doing in my life. the more i learn about Him, the more i'm in awe of all that i do not know about him. and for that reason alone, i am not wise. 

i will continue to learn and grow, but i will never know everything and what i do know will never give me the right to think i am more wise in an area than someone else or that my decisions made are better than someone else's. i make the best decisions for my life based on what i have learned and what God has shown me.  and i'll do the same for my child.  what i learn about what is healthy or best for my child or the best way to parent is what God has shown me, but it does not mean He has shown the same to you for your life or for your child. in His scripture he says he not only knew me before i was born, but that he knows the exact number of hairs on my head and the names of all the stars. His infinite knowledge far outweighs what i think i know. and because of this, i have found myself serving out more grace.  

i'm nearing thirty and as i look at those younger than me recently, i see them handling things in a way i would not. and while i saw myself recognizing this, i now am now trying to view it in light of the verse i have been shown...do not be wise in your own eyes. the very things those who are younger than me are doing, are easily the exact same things i did at that age...without the knowledge i have now.  how many times have i pulled out in front of someone in a parking lot? it's helped me bite my tongue while driving recently. and how many times have i said this or that thinking i was right when really i just hadn't learned more about it yet? it made me think of what i'll look back on at forty and wish i had handled differently at thirty.  while i'm often quick to judge, i'm now trying to be quick to show grace...knowing that i'm just as desperately in need of it as the next person.

friends have told me that it's good to learn things like this as i prepare to be a mom because your skin has to toughen up as everyone has an opinion on how to raise your child...and i'm liable to receive an extra portion of advice seeing how my first child's ethnicity will not match my own. so while i am researching and discussing methods of parenting and feeding recently, i'm recognizing already my own need for grace and am hoping as i try to give it to others who are learning that the same service will be shown to this new mom.

scriptures to hold to.

here are just some of the specific scripture i have been reading to myself in recent months. might i recommend reading them out loud and declaring them.  it's truth. and truth sets you free.

"...Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” (Isaiah 49:23 NIV)

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights." (Habakkuk 3:17-19 NIV)

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." (Job 13:15 NIV)

"This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." (Isaiah 48:17 NIV)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV)

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5, 6 NIV)

“Therefore say to the Israelites, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: It is not for your sake, people of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone. I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Sovereign Lord, when I am proved holy through you before their eyes."(Ezekiel 36:22, 23 NIV)

"Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on." (Exodus 14:13-15 NIV)

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. "(Galatians 6:9 NIV)

"For we live by faith, not by sight." (2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV)

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come. Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more." (Psalm 71:14-21 NIV)

"Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up. Expect God to get here soon." (Psalm 31:24 MSG)

"And Elijah said to Ahab, “Go, eat and drink, for there is the sound of a heavy rain.” So Ahab went off to eat and drink, but Elijah climbed to the top of Carmel, bent down to the ground and put his face between his knees. “Go and look toward the sea,” he told his servant. And he went up and looked. “There is nothing there,” he said. Seven times Elijah said, “Go back.” The seventh time the servant reported, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.” So Elijah said, “Go and tell Ahab, ‘Hitch up your chariot and go down before the rain stops you.’ ” Meanwhile, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain started falling and Ahab rode off to Jezreel. The power of the Lord came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel." (1 Kings 18:41-46 NIV)

"I’m thanking you, God, out loud in the streets, singing your praises in town and country. The deeper your love, the higher it goes; every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness." (Psalm 57:9, 10 MSG)

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."(Psalm 5:3 NIV)

"God ’s Message to his anointed... “I’ll go ahead of you, clearing and paving the road. I’ll break down bronze city gates, smash padlocks, kick down barred entrances. I’ll lead you to buried treasures, secret caches of valuables— Confirmations that it is, in fact, I, God, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name. It’s because of my dear servant Jacob, Israel my chosen, That I’ve singled you out, called you by name, and given you this privileged work. And you don’t even know me! I am God, the only God there is. Besides me there are no real gods. I’m the one who armed you for this work, though you don’t even know me, So that everyone, from east to west, will know that I have no god-rivals. I am God, the only God there is. I form light and create darkness, I make harmonies and create discords. I, God, do all these things. “Open up, heavens, and rain. Clouds, pour out buckets of my goodness! Loosen up, earth, and bloom salvation; sprout right living. I, God, generate all this. ” (Isaiah 45:1-10 MSG)

"That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (Romans 8:18-28 MSG)

He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’”  (2 Chronicles 20:15, 17)

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG)

new month. new hope.

this entire week i have been composing a post in my head.

it included some dates that have passed in april. the fifteenth passed with it's random hopeful dreams. our three year mark of deciding to start a family came and went. and our fifth month of being on the wait list is now behind us and we are nearing six months.

i had been thinking of ways to be broad in my statements about this past month. it's been the hardest of any i have known.  there has been more on mine and jacob's plate than most even are aware of, that range from all types of varied situations. it has been an incredibly challenging last month to say the very least. in many aspects of our life. but we have needed God on a level we haven't experienced before.

and that part hasn't changed...the part about being more desperate for Him than ever. while i pray answers come, moreso i pray the unsatisfied need for Him remains.

i spent yesterday looking up scriptures and adding them to the notes in my phone to have as a constant reminder of the truth that has been carrying me. and will share them in a new post here. when God is silent, he still speaks in scripture. when you are in need of truth and something to hold to...go to His Word. something i've learned is this. if you are a christian. if you claim it and walk it...then there's no denying the Bible. you may only hear silence. you may feel like you've been lead down a path then left in a dessert. you may feel alone or pointless. but if you say you believe God then you must believe His word that says all those feelings are not truthful about you. he hears every prayer. he catches all your tears in jars. he says he won't leave you or forsake you. he says he carries you. he says he will provide. he says you are never alone. he says he has a plan for you..one in fact laid out before you were born. it says he'll finish that plan he started in you. he says that he also prays for you on your behalf and it even says he is always doing what is best for you as well as what will show Himself the most glory. if you forget it in your season, remind yourself of that hope that is in the scripture.

but mainly i was preparing a post that said "amen. it's may." i couldn't have been more excited for a new month.  a fresh. new. month. His mercies are new every morning...but man, His mercies for a new month couldn't have come any quicker.

i was going to then explain how our orphanage is on a freeze. and has been since the end of march. that didn't allow any more babies to come in. and how i would ask you for prayers for a third social worker so that by mid-may our orphange wouldn't lose it's license and close for two years.

and now, as the end is coming to may 1st...a day and week full of it's own new frustrations...we just got word that a third social worker has been found! and that the paperwork has been sent into the taiwanese goverment!!!

and then i balled.

among many weights this past month, the prayer for a social worker has been near the top. several of our close friends and family have also been waring for us as well. and while i felt numb to the situation, i also had a quiet confidence in God.  a trust that said if one isn't found in the next two weeks (after a 9+ month search) and our orphanage closes, you must have a better plan. a trust said that even in pain, he had better. so we prayed. those things in which i have no control over (which encompasses so much of our lives right now) i can do no more then to trust and do the best i can with what i have.

we aren't past it all yet...the paperwork must go through and be approved before the freeze on babies coming in will be lifted...but hope rises. they currently have 9 babies at the orphanage and all have matches with parents already. so while we know it's very likely it could be a bit still before they have more babies (OUR baby(ies)) or we get a call, the possibility has returned for it at least being feasible now...maybe even for this year.

so now i have a new prayer request...to the diligent hand full-ish of people that apparently read this blog (feel free to comment sometime)...the nine babies at the orphanage who have matches, haven't been assigned court dates in months. pray that the judges would begin to move on their behalf.  that paperwork would begin to go through, court dates would be established and that the current standstill would come to a close and efficiency would take priority. that is our new main prayer.

God is on the move. always. sometimes we feel it and sense it and sometimes we don't. this month has been a test in trusting what i don't see, believing when there's no signs, and hoping when i don't feel like it anymore. this season is good. so hard, but so good. someone prayed the other day over an event and said he was thankful for victory that was already had. victory has been established in my heart and the daily walking out of it is often trying...but i'm never alone.

thanks so much for the prayers already lifted up and thank you for those continuing to come.

i'll post all the scripture in a new post so no one is overwhelmed by the length of the post. :)

bring on may.

SHIRTS and links on how to get them!

several people have asked where to pay for shirts and or donate....so we have a button set up here now just for that...this donate button below links to our pay pal account! when you make a purchase, make sure you fill in your address as well as your size etc so we know what shirts to send and where to. :) thanks so much!! and if you're on a computer then the donate button will always be in the top right corner of our blog! :)

here are the shirts again!  i wear a small easily and jacob's a large in these.  we haven't found them to shrink, but if you washed them in really hot water and put them in a hot dryer initially they probably might some...they're super comfy and are longer than a typical tee.  all designed by jacob and printed by our awesome friends! :)

4 months, 8 days.

four months and eight days on the waiting list. the other day when i had the door open to the still drying nursery, i found parker just sitting.  and in a hyper-emotional state, i cried, at the cheesiest thought i may have ever had lol "even parker is waiting". :) eighteen and a half weeks less of our total wait time.

we had a friend dream twice in a row one week recently that we found out april 15th. after first determining that she was not excessively concerned for tax day, i tucked it away in my mind.  could be right. could be God. or it could just be nudge to hope through another month. another few weeks with a timeline to consider. no harm in hoping. no wrong in being incorrect if it pushes you to hope.

a preparation of heart.

recently, God has been teaching me about preparedness.  and my heart has been in a nearly constant state of preparation. and in this, i've learned that preparation means a constant move towards hope. and hope...that stuff...it's what God sends to sustain.

first...the physical manner...i changed my phone settings this past week.  one of the moms i talked to said that she received her phone call at 1 a.m. (since there's a 12 hour time difference between here and taiwan).  well, i always put my phone settings on silent at night because my sister lives in africa and she normally texts and posts her pictures while i'm sleeping.  hearing that our call may come after we have fallen asleep, though, changed my thinking.  so i fixed the settings on my phone so that texts were silent at night, but my ringer isn't and i leave my phone on now...ready at all times for a call to come.  whenever that may be.

then, i've been moving and painting.  jacob and i spent one entire snowy weekend a couple weeks ago building a massive wall unit.  from scratch.  to be honest, i didn't know we had that kind of capability within us. ha.  here's some before/during after pictures below. we found a $3 bucket of discard paint at lowes, and then bought the wood...oh that's hilarious...wait you gotta see that picture first.  here's how we got our 16' boards back to the house! :)

 

(this was also about the time that he asked me kindly to stop photographing the spectacle and help him tie it down lol)

so then we built this thing. and this is our new office/guest room...until another house becomes available post baby. we are ready to move, i think, but don't feel the timing is right and don't want to redo parts of our home study at this time.  so we are making what we have work for now.

 

so once the office was done...i painted the nursery. white. it had been gray and i love that color as well...but we found a full bucket of white and i spent this last weekend painting the room white.  jacob worked comicon all weekend and so it was me, worship music, and a paint brush.  and that's when i learned the most about hope and how preparation plays into that.

it's odd to me.  to be preparing for a child i do not know. but i love them.  though i do not fully know them, i love him/her. i know it may seem silly to some to be getting a room ready when we know so little about what our future timeline looks like. and our coming busy season aside, my heart needs this state of preparation. preparing mentally to be a mom. setting my heart towards that.  and as i painted, hope came.  i was assembling a room that i knew my baby would sleep in. new white paint covered the walls and i prayed for our birth parents. for them to be encouraged.  for God to draw near to them and give them peace.  i prayed for the orphanage and it's stability and perseverance in the government changes. i aligned my heart into hope.

and in that. God is working on my heart.  preparing it for Him. because in the same manner, he can return at any time. in a time i least expect.

my senses were heightened a week or two ago for some reason and i wanted to make sure my phone was on me at all times. like. all times.  and that week, when i was most concerned about getting a call, i lost my phone at least twice.  like once in the snow in the post office parking lot...luckily someone else found it...but i was thinking "seriously? this is when i'm being most particular about holding onto it and i can't keep track of it"...and God nudged me. is our heart in a place like that with Him? are we so concerned with doing things for him and accomplishing the "things" we feel like will make us spiritual that we lose sight of Him and the real preparation? that was when the whole prepared state really began rolling around in my head....and it's been guiding my thoughts ever since.

i want to be preparing my heart for christ's return in the same way that i am preparing for my child.  wrapping my head around eternity as i wrap around becoming a mother. cleaning house and cleaning out my home, as well as my heart of whatever distractions hold it back. being in a state of humbleness and forgiveness before him, as i'm reminded when i painted the walls white as snow in the new room. and in doing so...we are cultivating a heart of hope.

i know i'm months away from meeting my child. but the call could come at any time.  but as i get ready for their time, hope builds. and what is my relationship in Christ without hope. and i know that feasibly Christ's return could be months/years away...but realistically it could be tonight. so whatever it is you are preparing for in life, consider if your zest in which you are working towards that matches the zeal in which you are pursuing your relationship with God...and are those steps you are making towards Him wrapped up in "things" and "activities" or do they revolve around a personal, relational experience with His presence.

and then...to wrap this all up, a friend sent me this scripture yesterday that tied it all together so well. the first half just related to so many other things right now and the second verse just fit so perfectly with this...1 Peter 1:7-8 "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filed with an inexpressible and glorious joy...."

today i prepare. and in my preparations, i draw near and build hope.

disappointments and invisible wars.

for a few weeks now i've been composing parts of this post in my head. it's not directed at adoption at all, but more of what God has just been teaching me....and like i said from the beginning this blog is more than about our taiwanese potatoes...

last week, i had a moment. where i sat on my bed and i furiously journaled. because i felt disappointed. on so many levels. after going about town for various reasons, i escaped home. and i wrote it all out. i had hit a limit in my heart where i couldn't brush over one more thing that had let me down. so i scribbled everything on paper. i had almost purged it all when i found myself gradually starting to point the finger at God...

and i stopped.

paused.

and ended the last few pages with a heart broken and forgiven before christ.

you see as i went through and got it all off my chest, i realized several things. one, that my heart towards God was being affected by my standards i had placed on others. and two, everything i had listed out revolved around...humans. so God sat there quietly letting me vent and pour out my heart. and when i got near the end he allowed me to realize that i am still trusting others. and trusting others more than him. i must quit putting so much of my faith in those who are human and destine to fail me in some capacity at some point in my life...and more into the one who has never and will never fail me.

when i felt out of place or had hurt feelings, i wasn't taking it to him, i was bottling it up. and the funny part of that journal entry was that as i glanced back over it, it was the VERY things christ experienced when he was here. i'm sure his family and friends never really "got" him. he was on his own path and i bet he rarely was fully understood. his way of life didn't match anyone else's he was around. he was left out often and a gazillion people said the wrong thing to him all the time. the very things i sometimes struggle with were the very things he knew the most about! but instead of spending my energies talking to him and relating with him on these matters, i chose to blame him for allowing them to happen. ever had that occur? ever stopped to realize that maybe God's allowing you to experience hurt or pain so that you might run to him with it? i was floored by the concept...and how quickly the enemy twisted circumstances in my head so that without me even knowing it, i was blaming God. tricky, mctrickerson struck again. but i'd like to think i'm a little wiser now.

i'm well aware of another tactic of his now as well... 

on one occassion recently, jacob and i were in a fight. which, obviously that happens from time to time.  but i immediately felt this was different. i was angry. super angry. and he was too. we were both at odds. and i kept doing double checks in my thoughts because i was thinking so hatefully and i knew it wasn't me. luckily (for jacob ha) i'm a silent stewer and don't often voice all my thoughts. but a few short, snippey moments later i begrudgingly asked him to pray for us (i wasn't about to, duh, oh pride). we prayed. continued driving. and eventually felt an internal fog lift...now the interesting part came later...not too long after this incident, we found ourselves in an incredible situation where we were both able to talk and share christ with two gentlemen. for hours. as we went to bed that evening. we both apologized and recognized what had fully happened.  the enemy was trying so very hard to get us to be at odds with one another so that when we entered the situation we were placed in it would have been difficult for us to be on the same team. we would not have been one in spirit and with God. our anger would have distracted us from what needed to take place for the kingdom. so we asked forgiveness from one another and God...and immediately it backfired on satan.

from that point, we have both been a bit more on guard. and we can't get away from the scripture in ephesians 6 "¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." it couldn't be more truth. so while i was disappointed with various situations in the past several weeks, i have also been wondering how much is flesh and blood and how much is dark, invisible wars i can't see. so maybe give people a little more grace, and the enemy a little more battle before you spin around blaming God for situations.

george bailey moments.

we had our main, and possibly only, fundraiser recently.

and i keep finding myself having george bailey moments.  you know from "it's a wonderful life"? where he's at the end and all his friends come in with money and it closes out with him feeling overwhelmed and loved and the quote "no man is a failure who had friends"??  well we didn't feel like failures, but we were definitely shown love and from dear friends and family. overwhelming support from others.

i'll be honest that i'm not sure what the protocol is for sharing what funds were raised etc.  but i'll also be honest in sharing how much we were blessed.  we were hoping that maybe with the help of our silent auction we could raise maybe at most $1000. well when we cleaned up and got home around 1a.m. we emptied our bowl to find around $2200!! we were floored.  and shocked.  and blessed.  and thankful.  you guys, are seriously generous and so kind.  i still don't have enough thanks to provide for it all.

i'm not even sure what else to say. seriously. ha.  thanks :)

on the meter of where we are and what we are looking at remaining, it goes like this...we essentially only have travel costs remaining, which is an overwhelming blessing in and of itself.  we had originally speculated (and only hopeful speculating in doing so) that maybe we would travel in late spring...well it's looking more like late summer or maybe (hopefully not!) late fall at this point. and summer is the most expensive time to travel and tickets to taiwan are also at their highest then. while our game plan is to stay in country between court/wait times, there's also the possibility that i will have to come back for weddings and jacob may have to stay.  while the mere thought of that makes me want to cry, we continually hand the entirety of timing back over to God. so we are banking on only having to pay for tickets once for us each to go and come back, but it may not go that way.  currently we are looking at needing maybe $4,000 more to be on a little bit safer standing financially before we go.

once our referral for baby(ies) comes through, more paperwork/money will be worked on and spent to finalize immigration/passport forms. so while we are doing great, that is about what we have remaining, minimum. as we've discussed in other posts, i'm not into talking about the money side of things anyways. so we are estimating modestly a $4,000.  we have no plans for other fundraisers at this point, though.  aside from our awesome tshirts, we are simply trusting God to provide what we need, via work or spontaneous support (and as a friend recently pointed out, his provision may come in the area of a new idea for a fundraiser ha).

anyways. the fundraiser was a blast. this couple....

made the night a huge success, along with our friend nate.  they prepped weeks ahead of time with song selections, sound checks and light testing. drew even surprised us by starting the dance party with the song we danced back down the aisle to at our wedding ("i would walk 500 miles"...reserve your snickering). so sweet.  so much of the success was due to them. both of our families drove up that weekend and helped us...setting up, moving chairs busting out some tables and cutting some table runners...not to mention a debacle with glowing balloons shew...oh and then there's the silent auction peeps!! people were SO kind to donate massages, coffee amazingness, and gift cards for the silent auction. and food!! several friends/fam made food and brought drinks/coolers!!! people, seriously. were. so. kind.  so here's a couple pics from the little ipad we had set up at the photobooth...

and then of course the mad dancing...i honestly didn't take that many in an attempt to participate and talk to everyone that came out to support us...but i did get a few of the mayhem :)

so, yes. major success thanks to so many. we get more anxious and prepared each day that passes. come on home, sweet potatoes!! :)


oh here are those awesome shirts :) jacob drew them out. it's clouds (of course) with the taiwanese sun from their flag peaking out...with our theme adoption verse.  we didn't realize til i was wearing it recently, though, that the dotted line of the plane makes a "c" for cecil. :) happy accidents. to buy your own click the "donate" button on the top right of this page...make sure to include your address and size you want in the comments section and we'll send it your way.  facebook, instagram and email (or comments here) are also effective. :) they're $20 each and +$5 for shipping.

oh. and thanks. seriously. again. (even though i think there's only like three people that read this blog lol...)

12 weeks.

today (which is now technically wednesday) marks twelve weeks on the waiting list

and in case you were wondering, we did not receive a call on january 29th and my sweet friend is having a boy. :)  i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little dissapointed that we didn't find out news like that together...but not crushed by any means.  just means there's another timing that's more perfect than the one i had in mind.

and it's true.  gosh.  if we had gotten a call that day i would have bawled my eyes out from sheer exhaustion.  january 29th ended up being when we had our FBI fingerprinting done...and that is quite a story...

we went to arizona last week to photograph a wedding for work. and since i'd never been to that part of the country we decided to tack on a few days at the end and explore sedona and the grand canyon.  more on that another day...it may have been our babymoon? maybe not. who knows.

 (p.s. this is the lengthy version of what happened to get to our fbi fingerprinting so i can tell my child someday ha...)

we were scheduled to come home on tuesday night and go to our fbi appointment wednesday morning in cincinnati. seemed simple enough.  fly from phoenix to chicago to lexington.  well, while some thought we got held up in some snow in chicago we, in fact, never even left phoenix before the problems began.  sunny, 78 degree phoenix.  we had an afternoon flight and as they had us all lined up in our respective spots when they made an announcement that only one bathroom facility was going to work...no biggie.  people left the line to go use the restroom quickly.  cool.  we all get back in line.  and wait.  and wait.  we only had an hour between our connection in chicago.  and as we start to get nervous our worst came...they've decided to try to fix the bathroom and delay our flight. so. dumb.  we can hold it 2 hours people.

so they delayed us which began the frenzy.  we rushed to the counter (as did everyone else).  there were no other flights out this evening that could get us home.  if we left we would be stuck overnight in chicago...and thus missing our fbi appointment.  because the main issue of our appointment was not getting to cincy, it was getting TO lexington where they had mailed our appointment paperwork while we were gone and THEN taking them to cincy.  so we first had to get home then drive. so we begged to be flown to louisville, cincinnati anywhere tonight that we could rent a car.  the closest they could get it that evening was to columbus, ohio.  so we bit the bullet and called and rented a car in columbus so we could be booked on a plane from phoenix to there and get into columbus at midnight, drive the three hours home, get the paperwork and get to our morning appointment in cincy.  it was crazy.  and horrible exhausting sounding, but we had to do it...or so we thought.

between finding new flights and booking cars, they delayed us again...which killed our chance for the columbus flight.  i cried.  we hadn't slept much that week anyways (long stories for another day) so i was already somewhat tired, and thus more emotional, and mix issues with my baby in there and i cried at the counter...though i can't just turn on my water works on demand...it did seem rather convenient to pull off while at the counter...but it didn't help our situation.  i think it only made the people helping us sadder too because they couldn't help us. also while all this is going on we were texting with my dad (travel guru) and my friend nina (also travel guru) to see what they could find us.

enter nina and her husband wes to save the day.  nina asked if we could get a morning flight into cincy.  i said yes, but of course the issue wasn't getting there the issue was getting to my home for the paperwork in time to get BACK to cincy for the fingerprinting.  so then the mullins saved the day.  nina told me to get a flight into cincy and she'd take care of the rest.  (*side note: those who know me best know i have serious issues asking for help, accepting help, and seeing others go above and beyond on things for me...i don't like being a bother, a hassle or nuisance...so really every part of me was in distress over this flight situation...but God used it as always to teach me...using nina :D) wes met up with our brother in law who was watching the house and got the key to our house to get in and get the keys to our mailbox...went to our mailbox and got our forms out and took them to nina.  nina then proceeded to drive at the crack of dawn the next morning to cincinnati to get to us (we ended up taking a midnight, red eye flight to philly then to cincy) as we landed 30 minutes late, drove us the 30-45 minutes to downtown for a...wait for it...TEN MINUTE APPOINTMENT.  yup.  all that hassle for a simple walk in and walk out appointment.

so sleep deprived and exhausted nina drove us home and continued being awesome.

 

and that, my friends, is how we finished our LAST piece of paperwork prior to our referral.  we are literally only waiting now.  feel free to come anytime, baby(ies).

taiwan tidbits

came across this article with some other taiwanese adoptive parents this past week...it's really interesting!  10 things you probably didn't know about taiwan...including the fact that they provide free wifi for the entire island...will totally be using that while there...not need to wonder if i'll be instagramming our sweet potato(oes) (once we are allowed to post them of course...)

10 facts you may not have known about Taiwan

i600a and fingerprinting!!

sheesh.  i had other adoptive parents warn me about the i600a and getting on it quickly because it was quite a long process...but sheesh....over two months!! it's the only piece of paperwork remaining this side of the referral.  it deals with immigration stuff (i think lol) and it also sets up our FBI fingerprinting appointment.  there was a lot of miscommunication between us and the place we had to file it through...but it finally got sorted out.  our original paperwork for it had an expiration date of january 13th (yup, monday) and our check for it all still hadn't shown it being cashed.  we had been trying to get in contact with people without a whole lot of response...but we were finally okayed yesterday and then were given our fingerprinting appointment today!

so we will be making a little two hour trek to cincinnatti in the coming weeks to walk in for 5 minutes somewhere more legal and legit have our finger smashed on a screen and drive home 2 hours.  seems a bit silly to me...but obviously the government doesn't feel that way.  this doesn't effect our referral timeline or anything like that...just solidifies that literally all we have left is waiting and a phone call. :) two unknown numbers had my heart skipping again today....i don't foresee that changing anytime soon, though.

risk and adventure.

this morning was a unique one.  jacob asked me on a date. and so on a monday morning we went with a handful of other 70-80 year old couples in the lexington area to view "the secret life of walter mitty" at the early bird price.  he used some of his christmas money and it was so sweet and so fun.  today starts his teaching class that i had last semester so he is there on mondays now.

as the movie went on and walter went on his adventures to each new location, i was reminded of the past several years' trips that had us in various parts of the world, like norway, mexico, and africa.  and i was thankful.  you also see walter balance his checkbook throughout the movie and i chuckled on the inside relating to his internal cost vs experience methodology. and as the credits came up...i walked to throw away our mr. pibb (treat #2!!)  and found myself crying.  and by the time i made it to the trash cans in the back of the theater i was all out sobbing.  jacob was, of course, confused as normally i cry during the movie and not 5 minutes after (except for blood brothers, oh my word, i was a wreck for hours after that one....another day's story...).  and as he pulled me in for a hug i muddled out "i just realized that all this time i've been so upset and embarrassed at times that we have spent our savings this past year on adoption and i've been upset about the money...and here's our greatest adventure before us.  and it's all worth it.  i'd spend it all again."

and so we both cried.

yup.  it's out there.  our savings has been greatly diminished because we went all in on the adoption. but as much as i have tried to hide that these past year/months, it's all pride really.  because the past three years of our lives has been nothing short of one adventure after the other. a standing on one stone of faith only to hop blindly to the next. and i've been so concerned, trying to cover my pride and finances that i almost missed recognizing it...and in doing so missed sharing what i believe God is doing in us.

our story is one of adventure. let me lay out the past three years.  (feel free to hop to the last paragraph to miss details that i'll just want for myself in the years to come ha) i felt led to quit my job back three years ago.  and what that means for a self-employed wedding photographer is that i turned down a season of weddings.  all of them. i sat a summer out....quietly.  hoping no one noticed.  i. was. terrified.  but i couldn't move forward in my relationship with christ, knowing what i thought he asked of me and simply ignore it.  so "fear of The Lord" or "fear of God"...yea i get that a little bit...because i followed because i feared being disobedient lol...and i'm not shy to say that...it's the kind of fear that parents ought to have with their children...love them so much that they are afraid to disobey you....i'm already digressing, sorry ha....so i sat a season out.  got my priorities right. changed my business focus back onto the One who gave it to me to begin with...and when i took back those reigns in january of that next season...it was with the heart of "going back to my first love"...and that included film.  on a january day, in a sunday service, i remembered the love of shooting film that began in it all in college and with holga in hand, started taking it back up.

so that was january.  we found out about jose around that time (jose villa that is) and were encouraged by our friends to attend his workshop, knowing it would further push us into the film love we were re-igniting.  i scoffed at the idea, knowing the cost and said i'd "pray" about it.. which is a christian-ese term for "no, but i'll act spiritual and like i'm considering it by saying that".

oh...time out...

did i mention this was at the same time jacob decided it was time to quit his teaching job? oh yea.  that happened too.  for five years he strongly disliked his position for a variety of reasons.  and after 4 attempts every previous summer to find a new position, he found all the doors shut to him by the time fall came back around.  that fifth year, though, with tenure under his belt, we finally both felt at peace for him to leap. cut ties and find that pebble of faith to stand on. so he did.

so i hadn't taken on any weddings. he quits his job and we are "praying" about an incredible opportunity to go to mexico and learn under a master of film using an amount of money we know we don't seemingly have with neither of us foreseeing income later that year ha.  so in a half-hearted effort to follow through with my "praying" about it speech, i told jacob and God that if we got two weddings within that week that it could maybe cover us going and the rest would come after that because that would be our sign to go.  so we went to bed.  and i woke up the next morning...to THREE weddings.  God's funny like that, did you know.  you ask for two and he gives you three.  maybe it's because i'm one of the stubborn believers....like gideon (in judges 6) in the bible, asking for a wet fleece and dry land, and the next day asking for wet land dry fleece...blah blah...i often require too much of God, but he always meets me.  so we booked the workshop.  and began business again the end of that year.  and God provided enough income to cover us. 

and when jacob's year wrapped up and he quit...almost immediately he was given an opportunity to manage a comic bookstore...something he has looked into several summers prior at the wrong locations. considerable less pay and benefits, but with an exceedingly far better work environment to foster his other artistic talents. so we took a leap...and found a stone to stand on.  each step we have taken has cut our pay a little bit more...and yet simultaneously walked us more and more into a plan we know God has laid out for us.

it's a funny wrap up really.  i quit. then he quit. then i came back. and he was handed work. never has God left us alone.  so if i could stop pretending for a minute that i've got this finance thing figured out or that i'm running the show...i MIGHT just be able to shine Christ a little better.  i might be able to explain how we didn't have jobs, but then we did or how when a mortgage payment came up shy, i "found" a check from a client that hadn't been cashed...or when we struggled and fought for health insurance for months, he came through...or maybe how medically i had some of the most trying years of my life and yet he pulled me through...if i could stop, you could see God a little better in me. to know God as provider, requires needing provision. ever thought of that. to know him as healer, you must need healing. it's a scary prayer...to ask to know him as a provider or in any other capacity.  it's frightening in a way any time you ask to know God in a different or new way...because that means testing.  but the testing....THAT is the adventure.  its dying to self and yet it's life giving. it's not safe, but it's amazing.

so at the end of walter mitty...i found myself broken with God.  and humbled.  as i've not thanked him for this adventure we have had...one of transition and trust...one of being moved around and placed where he wanted us to be. and without thanking him, i've not recognized what lies ahead.  it may not have been smart to spend what we had saved. it may not have made dave ramsey sense (and we follow dave ramsey really well...so i hate to disappoint)...but we spent what we did to go where he's called us.  and if he has called us...there is no shame in what it cost me to get there.  he gave it all for me.  and i am willing to give it all back and sometimes that means for a child i don't yet know.  striking similarities.

and so we are on an adventure...and i am now eager to share all that God has done with us, financially and otherwise to carry us along and get us to the places he wants us to be.  because he is worthy of that recognition, deserving of that praise, and it is merely selfish of me to not share the "goodness of the lord in the land of the living".

dreams.

it's a long one...i'm not hurt if you skip it ;)

i've contemplated posting this one.  not really sure why...but you know how when you feel strongly about something sometimes it's hard to write out and make it sound so....real. like telling everyone that you're actually believing in this or for this?  makes you feel a bit crazier. ha. well it's all part of our story so i'm going to write it out, if only for myself and our family.

april 10th, 2011...is when our family, or the idea of it began. 

I had gone to ethiopia that january to photograph and document the adoption of our dear friends (life changing awesomeness, y'all...but anyways).  came home and we met with a local agency to adopt within that next month.  so february we met with an agency and got all the info, but it just didn't feel right. in march we left for south africa and visited my sister there.  while it was amazing and super enjoyed hanging out with family, we also spent 10 days with my nephew.  and he's an angel, really, don't get the wrong idea at all from this story...but we saw how exhausting it can be to have a child and as we flew back to the states, we talked about maybe holding off a bit longer on a family.  at least give it a few months.  so we get back that first week of april.  and went to church that following sunday.  it was an all worship sunday.  and i was doing my worship thing.  and i looked up to our stage and saw a girl worshipping and felt God tell me "see how she worships me? she is going to teach her children to praise me like that"...it was the sweetest thing.  that girl at the time was trying to get pregnant and i knew that word would be such an encouragement to her.  so i went back to worshiping and tucked that little word in my mind to share with her when she got some positive results. onto another song....and i open my eyes again and immediately heard "you're going to be pregnant with her". i stopped in my tracks.  knowing the discussion i had just had with jacob on holding off i knew it was not a thought i could have come up with on my own.  i was very silent as we left the service that night, went out with friends to eat where the girl confirmed she was excited about being pregnant soon and i just knew it was our time.  so we got in the car to leave and i told jacob i felt strongly that what i had heard was our push to begin a family.  and so it began.

well, within just hardly a couple weeks the friend was pregnant.  and we celebrated!! and all the while i knew what i had heard and started to get excited in my spirit. the months passed and i didn't share what i had heard for me with really hardly anyone. it came october, november and december...and i really began to learn faith in God...faith in what i didn't see. faith in His voice and not the natural and what i saw. up until the very DAY she delivered i believed i would be pregnant and we would be pregnant together even for 12 hours. ha.  her delivery came and passed and then i defaulted to the symbolism.  pregnant together in excitement.  pregnant in the spirit with something big God is going to do....and after many months...pregnant maybe with her second child and my first.  i wasn't discouraged, i knew what i had heard was not from me and so i held up...continued to hold hope. we often intepret what we hear incorrectly...it doesn't mean you heard wrong, but that you see it in a different way than God intended it...He's always right, though...as is His word, His truths and His promises. don't question him...look inward to see if your heart needs to respond differently.

there's a million stories of things i've heard or jacob has over the past three years...."sons of thunder" leading us to believe we would have twins boys....scriptures that have spelled out our lives with a girl's name that has led me to believe we are having a girl...you name it.  God has spoken to us in so many different ways.  it's encouraging...always hope giving...which is all about who He is anyways. so flash forward lots of months....we can cover those other words and months (years) another day...let's stick with my dream. i don't think that all of these are literal, perhaps they're spiritually meant...perhaps to be fulfilled in many years to come...just because we don't see how they work out now does not mean they are not what we heard.  gosh have i ever learned that in the past many years.  God is true to Himself and His word....always.  never question that.

back to my dear friend and the word and my recent dream.

this same awesome gal announced her second pregnancy a few months ago and while i was initially shocked (thinking..."hmm...but i'm not pregnant" ha ha) i ran to my calendar to find that she is the same weeks along as i am into the adoption. how sweet is that??  is that what God meant?? i have no idea. may never...but the dream.

christmas night i dreamed i was pregnant. and i was 8-11 weeks along.  i don't know why 8-11...but it stuck out.  and i was delivering! and everyone was like "no way! that's way too premature! you can't do that yet"...and i was all calm, explaining that it was the perfect timing. and i delivered a perfectly sized, normal baby (not gender specific in the dream, darn, i know :D). i woke up feeling odd.  i shared it with jacob and he asked how long we had been on the waiting list.  at that point it was about 6 weeks.  well that following week i began texting with my friend who is pregnant and learned some new informaiton.  she was going to have an appointment this past week that they might need to do an ultrasound for...and if they did they would know the gender....if they didn't end up needing to do that ultrasound then she would go back in for her normal gender appointment on the 29th.  that's neat, right? cool....

then it hit me.  and i ran to the calendar again.  wednesday when she went we were EXACTLY 8 weeks on the waiting list...and the 29th when she is going back now...EXACTLY 11 weeks on the waiting list.  random? ironic? i think not.  if we are in fact "pregnant" together...it makes sense to me for us to both know the genders of our baby at the same time.

now i write all this knowing that God has a divine plan.  that is clearly not my own. wednesday i was a bit heightened...needless to say. and thursday morning i nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone rang early before we were both up! and come the 29th it might be best you just don't call lol. 

i'm also a firm believer in God constantly providing hope.  there was a time this past year that i was upset and crying with God...i had been experiencing a million new pregnancy symptoms...some id never experienced and some i had....and then they turned out to not lead to me being pregnant.  and in the past many months i've had that a lot...new symptoms that would lead me to believe i could be.  and so after one especially difficult month i was praying about it....yelling about it perhaps, let's be honest this path is not an easy one.  and i asked him why on earth He would continually lead me to thinking that i was, or could be, or might be pregnant, only to reveal i'm not...and i heard this "hope. to give you hope". it stilled my heart and i cried. without little symptoms or little nudges to make me think there was hope to growing our family, i may have crumbled into an awful mess. the silence would have crushed me more.  it was one of the sweetest lessons of the past 3 years.  God was providing me hope...and once i realized that...the months got easier and hope came more easily.

so what does this all mean. i have no idea.  perhaps nothing. maybe it's all a way of providing hope. but i'm currently believing that we will know (get our referral) who our baby(ies) is by january 29th.  and if we don't, that's fine. but we have nothing if we don't have hope. so i'm hopeful we will know and that the craziness of the past three years means something tangible that i can see laid out before me soon.  let's be honest, that'd be a pretty stinkin' awesome testimony.  because it's all for God's glory, guys. if it's not, you best lay it back down. everything that happens is to give him the most glory...THROUGH us.  and if this is part of our story then i can't wait to share it...and if it's all seemingly irrelevant currently, then i'll store it in my dreams/visions/notions category of my mind knowing that at some point in life it will be crystal clear. 

logistically....
we are on the waiting list.  but where our agency is all christ-centered, they pray over every applicant and every baby and place them how they feel God leads them...which doesn't always mean going in order according to a "list" per se.  so my dear friends behind us in the adoption might get their referral before us and that's okay....and people who have been on the waiting list far longer than us may have to wait after us...that one is harder for me to handle...but it's not a check off down the line with this organization.  and i'm thankful for that...it takes even more control out of my hands and i need more of that in my life...things that don't run on my timeline.  so it is, in fact, possible for us to know at anytime.  there was one woman i met who got her referral within THREE WEEKS of being added to the list...those were different times at the orphanage when they had to get their numbers down more quickly....but it is not by any means impossible.

timing wise...
currently taiwan is 13 hours ahead of us.  so it makes sense to me that if they were going to call it would be early morning or later evening.  because if it's 8 am here it's 9pm there....and if it were like 7 pm here it would be 8am there...otherwise during the day either here or there would be middle of the night in the other location.  hence my jumping out of my skin the other morning to answer my phone...perhaps these are the motherly instincts kicking in (i was hoping that would start at some point because man am i a sound sleeper!!)...so the soft buzz of my phone sends me in a whirlwind these days....and our video camera is always on me to get it recorded! :)

soooo.  we are just waiting.  but we are ever so hopeful :)  God is writing our story and i'm thankful.

timeline

i'll need this for reference some day...and i'll keep editing as need be :)

Adoption Timeline:
August 30 2013 - First appointment with All Blessings International to begin the process

September 1 2013 - type out pre approval application to send Mandee/Taiwan
September 2 2013 - sent out pre approval letter to Mandee/Taiwan
September 10 2013 - pre approved to move forward with adoption through THOGL
September 11 2013 - sent in intitial application to begin process to ABI
September 13 2013 - ABI approval given and all documents sent to us to begin home study
September 26 2013 - submitted forms for criminal background check
Septembe 27 2013- - first home visit from the social worker
All September worked on home study paper work, documents, background checks and physicals, fingerprinting, forms from doctors, birth and marriage certificates, also doing education credits for home study

October 1 2013 - criminal background checks go through and are approved
October 4 2013 - ALL home study paper work DONE on our end of things
October 8 2013 - mailed out all of our documents for the home study to ABI to being finalizing
October 14 2013 - second and LAST home study completed, now all finalization of home study can be worked up and typed up at ABI
October 15 2013 - added to THOGL Forum on facebook to meet the other parents
October 28 2013 - proofed out typed up home study report from ABI
October 31 2013 - home study DONE all the way and being sent to taiwan!!! (8 weeks to the day)

November 6 - filed our i600a form for immigration and official fingerprinting
November 13 - officially added to the WAITING LIST

December 20 - found out our second half of i600a was denied and/or filed incorrectly (not our problem, they told us incorrectly) resent the form and payment in an overnight mailer as the cut off expiration is January 13th and must be to Texas then back to our representative

January 29 - had our FBI fingerprinting done in cincinnati, ohio