for a few weeks now i've been composing parts of this post in my head. it's not directed at adoption at all, but more of what God has just been teaching me....and like i said from the beginning this blog is more than about our taiwanese potatoes...
last week, i had a moment. where i sat on my bed and i furiously journaled. because i felt disappointed. on so many levels. after going about town for various reasons, i escaped home. and i wrote it all out. i had hit a limit in my heart where i couldn't brush over one more thing that had let me down. so i scribbled everything on paper. i had almost purged it all when i found myself gradually starting to point the finger at God...
and i stopped.
paused.
and ended the last few pages with a heart broken and forgiven before christ.
you see as i went through and got it all off my chest, i realized several things. one, that my heart towards God was being affected by my standards i had placed on others. and two, everything i had listed out revolved around...humans. so God sat there quietly letting me vent and pour out my heart. and when i got near the end he allowed me to realize that i am still trusting others. and trusting others more than him. i must quit putting so much of my faith in those who are human and destine to fail me in some capacity at some point in my life...and more into the one who has never and will never fail me.
when i felt out of place or had hurt feelings, i wasn't taking it to him, i was bottling it up. and the funny part of that journal entry was that as i glanced back over it, it was the VERY things christ experienced when he was here. i'm sure his family and friends never really "got" him. he was on his own path and i bet he rarely was fully understood. his way of life didn't match anyone else's he was around. he was left out often and a gazillion people said the wrong thing to him all the time. the very things i sometimes struggle with were the very things he knew the most about! but instead of spending my energies talking to him and relating with him on these matters, i chose to blame him for allowing them to happen. ever had that occur? ever stopped to realize that maybe God's allowing you to experience hurt or pain so that you might run to him with it? i was floored by the concept...and how quickly the enemy twisted circumstances in my head so that without me even knowing it, i was blaming God. tricky, mctrickerson struck again. but i'd like to think i'm a little wiser now.
i'm well aware of another tactic of his now as well...
on one occassion recently, jacob and i were in a fight. which, obviously that happens from time to time. but i immediately felt this was different. i was angry. super angry. and he was too. we were both at odds. and i kept doing double checks in my thoughts because i was thinking so hatefully and i knew it wasn't me. luckily (for jacob ha) i'm a silent stewer and don't often voice all my thoughts. but a few short, snippey moments later i begrudgingly asked him to pray for us (i wasn't about to, duh, oh pride). we prayed. continued driving. and eventually felt an internal fog lift...now the interesting part came later...not too long after this incident, we found ourselves in an incredible situation where we were both able to talk and share christ with two gentlemen. for hours. as we went to bed that evening. we both apologized and recognized what had fully happened. the enemy was trying so very hard to get us to be at odds with one another so that when we entered the situation we were placed in it would have been difficult for us to be on the same team. we would not have been one in spirit and with God. our anger would have distracted us from what needed to take place for the kingdom. so we asked forgiveness from one another and God...and immediately it backfired on satan.
from that point, we have both been a bit more on guard. and we can't get away from the scripture in ephesians 6 "12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." it couldn't be more truth. so while i was disappointed with various situations in the past several weeks, i have also been wondering how much is flesh and blood and how much is dark, invisible wars i can't see. so maybe give people a little more grace, and the enemy a little more battle before you spin around blaming God for situations.
last week, i had a moment. where i sat on my bed and i furiously journaled. because i felt disappointed. on so many levels. after going about town for various reasons, i escaped home. and i wrote it all out. i had hit a limit in my heart where i couldn't brush over one more thing that had let me down. so i scribbled everything on paper. i had almost purged it all when i found myself gradually starting to point the finger at God...
and i stopped.
paused.
and ended the last few pages with a heart broken and forgiven before christ.
you see as i went through and got it all off my chest, i realized several things. one, that my heart towards God was being affected by my standards i had placed on others. and two, everything i had listed out revolved around...humans. so God sat there quietly letting me vent and pour out my heart. and when i got near the end he allowed me to realize that i am still trusting others. and trusting others more than him. i must quit putting so much of my faith in those who are human and destine to fail me in some capacity at some point in my life...and more into the one who has never and will never fail me.
when i felt out of place or had hurt feelings, i wasn't taking it to him, i was bottling it up. and the funny part of that journal entry was that as i glanced back over it, it was the VERY things christ experienced when he was here. i'm sure his family and friends never really "got" him. he was on his own path and i bet he rarely was fully understood. his way of life didn't match anyone else's he was around. he was left out often and a gazillion people said the wrong thing to him all the time. the very things i sometimes struggle with were the very things he knew the most about! but instead of spending my energies talking to him and relating with him on these matters, i chose to blame him for allowing them to happen. ever had that occur? ever stopped to realize that maybe God's allowing you to experience hurt or pain so that you might run to him with it? i was floored by the concept...and how quickly the enemy twisted circumstances in my head so that without me even knowing it, i was blaming God. tricky, mctrickerson struck again. but i'd like to think i'm a little wiser now.
i'm well aware of another tactic of his now as well...
on one occassion recently, jacob and i were in a fight. which, obviously that happens from time to time. but i immediately felt this was different. i was angry. super angry. and he was too. we were both at odds. and i kept doing double checks in my thoughts because i was thinking so hatefully and i knew it wasn't me. luckily (for jacob ha) i'm a silent stewer and don't often voice all my thoughts. but a few short, snippey moments later i begrudgingly asked him to pray for us (i wasn't about to, duh, oh pride). we prayed. continued driving. and eventually felt an internal fog lift...now the interesting part came later...not too long after this incident, we found ourselves in an incredible situation where we were both able to talk and share christ with two gentlemen. for hours. as we went to bed that evening. we both apologized and recognized what had fully happened. the enemy was trying so very hard to get us to be at odds with one another so that when we entered the situation we were placed in it would have been difficult for us to be on the same team. we would not have been one in spirit and with God. our anger would have distracted us from what needed to take place for the kingdom. so we asked forgiveness from one another and God...and immediately it backfired on satan.
from that point, we have both been a bit more on guard. and we can't get away from the scripture in ephesians 6 "12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." it couldn't be more truth. so while i was disappointed with various situations in the past several weeks, i have also been wondering how much is flesh and blood and how much is dark, invisible wars i can't see. so maybe give people a little more grace, and the enemy a little more battle before you spin around blaming God for situations.
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