word is spreading.

the more forms and applications that required references, the more we have found ourselves having to tell people...if for no other reason than to not be confused when they receive their reference forms in the mail they have to fill out on us. :)

so this past week (and especially weekend) we have been telling people.  sometimes i get too excited and forget to video it...but i try to remember.  the more people know the more exciting it all becomes.  our home study should be complete hopefully in the next three weeks (one more visit in two weeks) and then we'll make it public news! :) can't wait.

in the meantime...you can watch this video of jacob's mom reacting.  it's hilarious...watch her eyes as she realizes what it means.  jacob's parents are big gardners, so we told them that we had found a new vegetable at the farmers market and then handed them this basket with a sweet potato and note (see sweet potato post for explanation)...they were confused that we didn't know what a sweet potato was and that we thought it was a "new vegetable"...but then it hit :)

first home visit!

we had our first home visit today! it went SO incredible well.  we love our social/case worker. and the meeting was super informative and went smoothly....though we cleaned the house from top to bottom and she didn't leave the 2 foot radius of our kitchen table ha ha. but next time there will be lots more inspections involved.

aside from the whole things just making things seem even more real...it hit when we had to sign a paper that had us fill in our relationship to the future child.  i had to write in "mom" next to my name. happiness...in the already, but not yet.

books. and fighting.

this book is awesome. i'll probably refer to it a lot in other posts, but it's so good.

jacob will attest to the fact that i cried through the book...he's reading it next, we'll see if he does the same ha. even if you aren't adopting it's so good. the first third of the book is on God's adoption with us and it's just amazing.  pulls in so many scriptures that i hadn't reflected on in this light of adoption and was just enlightening for so many reasons.  if you are adopting, or someone you know is, or you're family or friend of someone who might ever...read it. :)

there was a theme scattered throughout the pages that was particularly interesting to me. the idea that adoption is a battle.  a fight at times...a fight to receive your child. a war. whether it be spiritual or bureaucracy at times. this intrigues me because of an incident that happened almost a year ago now.

i went to have just open worship at a friend's house one evening. and while i didn't feel like going, i went.  it had been a particularly frustrating day in many ways, but especially in the way of children.  i sat on the floor there hurt and cried.  while i prayed through the worship songs i asked God the whys...like we all do sometimes.  and many times it's not the whys we need answers to but the whys we need to accept.  but on this particular occassion i heard God clearly on the matter.  i sat there leaned up against the wall with my journal and wrote as i heard Him say, "i need you to learn to fight for them before you even have them."

now i don't know where you stand on hearing from God, but he and i are friends. we often chat about big and little things and i know that evening that this was Him and the peace that filled my previously restless heart was evidence to it.

i am timid in many areas of my life...but in the past year God has grown me in this area. i'm pretty firm when it comes to my job.  it's odd really.  i can command the attention of 24 drunk wedding party members into a creative pose, but ask me to contest an incorrectly rung up item at the grocery store and i'm mum. ha.

and i know how to fight for others. i really think i do.  i know how to pray til it hurts for someone else to see a breakthrough in their life. and i know how to encourage (***please don't take this as bragging and please don't take it as though i'm proficient, because in many ways i need to improve in all of these...this is just generally speaking***). but when it comes to fighting for me, i often come up very short. i feel underserving.  i feel bothersome. and after that evening it all began to change.

i didn't know what it meant to fight for my children...and heaven knows i still don't.  and may never really! but i grow in this and God teaches me more all the time. but i fight a lot more these days. i have tried to realize who I am in God's kingdom with bible verses that point to who I am in Him and step into that.  I'm more than a conqueror (romans 8:37). I'm uncontested (romans 8:31-34).  I'm unstoppable (phillipians 4:13). and while i don't exemplify these always, it's a process.

so when i read through this book and it hinted at adoption being the process of fighting for your children and battling for them...another piece clicked that we are here in this moment for a reason. in this phase and adventure at the perfect timing. and God is always teaching me as i'm sure he is with you...and it's across the board. biological children or adopted, parents or singles.

i'm so excited to have little ones to fight for.

the here and not yet here.

i buy cute little books for my clients that are 365/5 year journals that are fun where they can jot down little one-liners from their adventures together the first 5 years of marriage. and i accidentally purchased the "mothers' version last time.  and instead of returning it or exchanging it, it has remained next to my computer. i read over the "mother" title (which was so tiny, sheesh, anyone could have made the mistake, come on companies!) and it was very foreign. and yet, the more days it sat there, and the more paperwork we fill out in this office, on this desk, the more i see it.

i was reading in my book, adopted for life, this past weekend and finished it. more on it later. but the last pages had me balling. i just have to copy and past some of it....it looks long, but it's not just read it.  my favorite part is where it's underlined.

 

and it was then as i read it that several things hit me. one that this is my life...and everyone's life...a state of "here, and yet not here; already and not yet." it's so true. how many of our prayers are already answered and yet we don't see the answer. things are already in motion for our requests and yet we don't see. so many of my prayers over ministry and children and being used by God in big ways are in the works, i just may not see them.

and the other thing that hit me was that it's possible that now or next week or in a month or a month ago my child(ren) may have been born. and while i'm not there with them, God is. and while i'm not technically a mother yet, God is preparing me. 

so today i picked up the 365 mother journal and began jotting down a few things on the days past. i'm curious after our referral and we know their age and date of birth, to see what i was doing on that day they were born.  was i especially upset or frustrated in not knowing them. was i incredibly hopeful that day, almost knowing in my spirit that they were there. or was i walking out a day in God's plans, oblivious to his divine plan unfolding on the complete otherside of the world. it's incredibly exciting to think about now. and while we have been praying so very much for our birth mother and her bravery, this mother-to-be begins to pray for our child who in whatever physical reality is "here and yet not here; already and not yet."

first breakdown. 'twas inevitable.

my first mini emotional breakdown lol.  it had to come right? there were lots of things involved in how it came about, but i kinda lost it last night. we worked on paperwork for about 2-3 hours and while we are getting ever so close to finishing (this part...not done by any means)...i balled.

you're sitting there reading through questions that ask you about your current concerns: are you nervous your child won't call you mom, are you concerned they'll not attach, are you concerned about financial investment...well duh questionaire.  that's across the board with any soon to be parents, not just those that adopt, but in our case we are asked to consider these, weigh them out, and respond to them. it's intense. and tends to spurr on a million of your own fears...what if it takes 10x longer than they say. like so many things have in my life it seems. what if they are past the age that they'll want to snuggle with me. i love snuggling. will they??

jacob was super comforting and supportive as he always is. he's a rock man. so amazing. 

i must continuously quote the scripture that has carried me the past year. it's one i've clung to. yelled out, prayed, and cried out sometimes in anger...

"...those who hope in me will not be dissapointed" isaiah 49:23b

i may dissapointed sometimes with timings or how things go...but when my whole hope and my whole heart is wrapped into God's, i'm not dissapointed because of the complete understanding that God always does what is best for me.  his word tells me and i live it out. everything he allows or doesn't allow is working out an ultimate amazing story that reflects HIM best and shows HIS glory most effectively.  and when i gave up my life to allow him in, that's what i signed up for...i signed up for his story and his constant work in my life.  so regardless of how long things take or don't take this is my mantra, that those who hope in him will not be dissapointed.  i continually hope in him, knowing that as i hand it all back over to him he will work it in a way that i will not be dissapointed if i trust in him.

i choose to trust him.

God and how we deal with happiness.

as we drove from michigan over last weekend i had a realization that startled me a bit into some deep consideration.  we were listening to the soundtrack of our life again, the rend collective experiment.  seriously.  have you still not bought it? yes, i'm going to add another song link below to explain this story...but just go buy it already. lol.

so we were listening to this song and it hit me what our past week of vacation had really looked like.  i had brought my bible...and not opened it once. confession time. i was so embarrassed. and it's not like i hadn't prayed that week, or talked to God, or hadn't thought of him.  adoption is his heart, i think of how it relates to him almost daily these days (especially as i read through adopted for life...oh my word...whole post on that in the future), but i had an opportunity to sit and be with him that week and in my excitement of adoption and bustle of paperwork, had ignored that opportunity.

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

i've read in lots of places how hard times bring us closer to God...if we allow it that is.  these past two years...and especially these past six months have been the hardest in my life and yet my relationship with Christ has never been stronger.  i know him and understand him in ways i never could have had we not been through the stretching and pulling He allowed.  i'm FOREVER thankful.  would never trade our experiences for anything.  my growth in Him has been exponential.

and YET...when things get exciting or are turning directions in so many ways (not just children wise), i begin to disregard the opportunities i'm given to once again draw close to him because of various other fun things on my mind. that's not okay. so, not okay.  so as i listened to this song and i was reminded that i am NOTHING but "dry bones" and a "desert soul" without him on a consistant basis.  without his fresh revelation in my life, it doesn't matter what happinesses come my way...because they pale and are (or should) be nothing in comparison to what he offers me (please read all the "he" and "him" in uppercase, i don't use caps lock).

so i was humbled on our drive home.  that in no matter the state we are in in life, to continuously seek him. 

"all that i am is dry bones without you lord, a desert soul...you are exactly what we need, only you can satisfy"

 

furious writing and first excitements....

we drove home from michigan today and immediately went to church....then immediately came home to finish THOGL application so it can be sent out tomorrow. we could hardly get unpacked before we were working on it!! but as we drove from michigan to indiana over the weekend (to shoot a wedding in my sister's hometown) we scoured the bible and websites for baby names...since they wanted us to consider those and list them out.  so that was fun.

on our way to indiana, we realized that our application required references, that couldn't be family, and that needed to be members of our church since our faith background is so important to the organization in taiwan.  so we were left in a conundrum.   we weren't going to tell anyone about the adopting until we finished the home study...however...in asking for our pastor's reference as well as several other involved church members'...we realized this isn't going to work.  no only did we need to give those individuals a heads up, but we didn't want our family to be last to know.

so. my sister was first since we weren't sure when we would see her again, especially in person.  so friday night we divulged our secret and they were SOO excited to say the least.  my sister has already adopted once and so she was an excellent person to begin with.  she's a wealth of knowledge and help and was equally as excited as we were!!  we are trying to inform others as we can next week!

ALSO...over the weekend we were assigned our social/case worker for our home studies etc and are getting those scheduled.  everything is going so quickly and i feel a bit in a whirlwind of papers and appointments.

first approvals!!

we got our go ahead approval from taiwan last night to continue moving forward!! we received it around midnight in our email...so in our tiredness there wasn't as much excitement as i felt there should be for our first set of approvals.  but that's okay...

we contacted ABI (our agency) and told them we were given the go ahead to move forward and so we mailed our application to them officially with that fee and they sent us our packet....and by packet i should say small novella....of forms and paperwork to begin with.  we are in michigan currently so we ran to a kinkos and had all 60+ pages printed out (because it would even be cheaper then printing them all on my computer when we got home).  and started looking through it all.  talk about daunting.  i mean.  whoa.  but we put it on the back burner til we got home because the first application due was to THOGL (the home of god's love, the organization in taiwan).  so looked through all the questions and prepared some answers.  they asked what names we were considering! wow.  seemed a bit premature!!

moving forward!

still waiting...and growing excitement.

it's friday.

we sent our email on monday...which clearly was an eternity ago.

do the cecils EVER understand patience in our six years of marriage. but this kind is different.

jacob and i had a meeting about some non traditional teaching opportunities early this week and at the end of the meeting the gentleman we had just met asked us if we had children and after we replied not yet, he was a bit more insistant on the awesomeness of it and asked if we had plans to create a family.  sometimes that's rude, but not with him, he was geniunely interested and kind.  so for a very awkward 3-4 seconds jacob and i looked at each other because while we haven't really told people, there was no harm in telling this man who had little to no connections with anyone else we knew...so why not.

we're actually adopting, we told him! we explained that we had just started the process...and he was SO excited. it was fun...so fun...to tell him, to see someone excited with us that didn't know us...and i forsee a lot more of that coming.

sleeping has been tricky this week.  the madness of our schedules, random obligations, and work keeps us going pretty constantly, but when it comes to bedtime, i'm able to think about the future and then it's hard to fall asleep.  is our baby born yet? when were they born? what was i doing the day they came into the world??

i was driving today and was thinking if there would be time in our future together as a family to do all the things i've always wanted to do...art projects...squeal! teaching them their letters by handing them a holga film camera and telling them to photograph everything that starts with an "a"...lol.

then a friend showed me this article today and once again my mind wanders...off of editing pictures, or of blog posts and what we're supposed to pack for an upcoming trip....wander to our little one(s) and the activities we shall do together!!!

here's that article...it's flippin' awesome...especially scroll through the bottom at all the tons of drawings this mom and daughter did together...

request for permission to continue.

we didn't wait long at all to get the ball rolling.  and i love that we started on september first with the actual legal process, fresh month, fresh beginning. writing a letter to the heads of the missionary program in taiwan turned out to be more daunting of a task than we anticipated and were up to 1 this morning writing, erasing, and proofing. 

you picture it.  in one email, you're putting yourself out there. explaining who you are, as individuals and couples to someone you've never met.  trying to explaing your background and your stability in Christ while also sounding not boring and that you love kids. :) it was a joint effort to write, but mine and jacob's writing voices are far different.  we included pictures of ourselves...and even that was difficult...too professional looking, too serious, too artsy, this one's fun, we look normal and happy here. ha ha.  though it wasn't requested we included full group pictures of our entire families because they are going to be welcomed into such a large group of awesomeness (see, there's that word again).

so. we just hit send.  we thought on it all day and finalized it and just emailed it.  eeks. 

here we go.

like for real.

that email's out there.  and someone's gonna read it.  and they're gonna know we're serious.

this email was to see if the organization in taiwan is willing to work with us.  the two missionaries that head it up pray over each applicant. which blows my mind and melts my heart equally.  they are essentially the ones that place us with a child(ren) and so they have to give us permission to continue with the home study and so we were writing to explain ourselves as well as request to move forward.  i have no idea how long that takes, could be returned back with info tomorrow....or in a week.  we shall!