tattoos and our current adoption secrecy.

i'm certain that at some point i'll actually share this blog.  and when i do...i foresee a slew of questions regarding why we haven't told people at this point about our plans.  and we have lots of reasons.

at this point we are looking to start and complete our home study. all blessings (from here forward, ABI) assures that process can take a month or less for us.  and really, after the homestudy we wait for the referral...of course there's tons of more legal work after the home study, but to get things going in taiwan, all they really care about is seeing the home study completed...not even the dossier is required to begin that...but obviously we must also complete that. so we want this major step behind us before telling people.

but why still?

i look at it how i did getting my tattoo.  shock alert to anyone who wasn't aware the straight-laced cara dee did in fact get a tattoo. it's very visible, i'm not hiding it....here's a shot of it my friend nina mullins took when we were in norway of it...

jacob and i felt strongly about getting these tattoos.  as you've already come to realize it's been a very up and down two years and hebrews 6:19 "for we have this hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure", has been another verse we have clung to. so for his birthday last year we both got these.  for each other, for reminders of who our hope lies in.

we knew there would be people who disagreed with our decision of getting them and who probably wouldn't understand and would probably have their opinion to offer on the matter both biblically and otherwise.  but it was an "us" thing and  "God" thing...and so we did it.

jacob and i have felt strongly about adoption for YEARS. it didn't even just start when i went to ethiopia to document the mullins adoption over two years ago...but it definitely confirmed it.  in fact, after we returned from south africa over two years ago we met with a local agency to start the adoption process and for various other reasons deteremined it was not the right time.  and now it is.

we expect to hear questions of if we have given up on having children biologically.  and that answer is no. but even if we chose to not try for biological anymore...i'm not entirely sure that would be everyone else's business. taiwan prefers you have no other children and so to follow through with the adoption there we plan to keep biological endeavors at bay. we feel strongly about adoption...and now. and while we have no idea what God has in store biologically, we will cross that when we get there.

in that same statement. adoption is not our plan b. never was. and remains that way. as i said we had plans to start this path years ago and were detoured for reasons only God currently understands...but we have come back to it now and are more excited than ever...and that's something God has been growing in our hearts.

so why haven't we told people.  because it's a God thing.  and an us thing. and we are getting our own heads wrapped around it before exposing it to all the world's own opinions and statements.  we wanted to know more about the process and the country and be more "prepared" in a way, if that's even really possible.  we know there will be questions, even good ones and positive ones, but we want to read up and feel a bit more knowledable in it all before that time.

so once our home study is complete in the next month, we will probably tell close friends and family...and then go public with it. 

first agency meeting.

we met with the agency today.

there's not even words.

jacob and i shut the doors to our car after it was over and the tears began.  and as one of my dear adoptive friends told me, i shouldn't expect to stop crying for many, many more months.

the situation with this agency...and actually the missionary organization we will be working with in taiwan is far above any expectation we had.  i can't even begin to explain all of it.  while we are braced for an 18 month process...it is far more likely that it will be a 9 month or less time period.

and while we were praying for confirmation as we went into the meeting...we felt nothing but green lights.  HOWEVER...God didn't stop there...because sometimes our emotions can fail us, right?  so while i was all in and we both felt the giant "go ahead" florescent light strobing over our heads it wasn't until later that evening that God really confirmed it for me.

remember yesterday when i posted about luke 14:26-27? well.  as we searched later this evening to read and find anything we could on our organization (home of God's love) to learn...we found a video showcasing the missionaries and how they work with the orphans there.  and the video OPENED with matthew 16:22

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[f] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

a different gospel's version of the very verse that had in question yesterday.  it was almost to say that while i was ready to forfeit, God wasn't requiring that at all in this area...this time.

so we have lots to get started on and feel very confident and ecstatic in the process ahead...i could go on and on.  but really i should just like insert a video of happy crying lol.

second thoughts.

as jacob and i were in the car today, i confessed i had second thoughts.  not about adoption, but about the timing.  it all stemmed from a major break through i had two weeks prior on my backyard swing.  on the swing i gave it all over to God. kids. ministry. life. and while i'd done that on multiple occassions in the past, i did it for real this time and afresh. not sure i realized that it has to be almost a daily thing.

i was ready to get serious.

i listened to this song...

 

lyrics:

Come set Your rule and reign
In our hearts again
Increase in us we pray
Unveil why we're made
Come set our hearts ablaze with hope
Like wildfire in our very souls
Holy Spirit come invade us now
We are Your Church
We need Your power
In us

We seek Your kingdom first
We hunger and we thirst
Refuse to waste our lives
For You're our joy and prize
To see the captive hearts released
The hurt; the sick; the poor at peace
We lay down our lives for Heaven's cause
We are Your church
We pray revive
This Earth

Build Your kingdom here
Let the darkness fear
Show Your mighty hand
Heal our streets and land
Set Your church on fire
Win this nation back
Change the atmosphere
Build Your kingdom here
We pray

Unleash Your kingdom's power
Reaching the near and far
No force of hell can stop
Your beauty changing hearts
You made us for much more than this
Awake the kingdom seed in us
Fill us with the strength and love of Christ
We are Your church
We are the hope
On Earth

and once again, i  understood that our lives are for kingdom purposes. all the lyrics were incredible that day...i see God's kingdom blowing up everywhere....friends are seeing healings on uk's campus, situations are moving into place that i could not rearrange myself. and so that day i decided to give up moving in my own motives. and as i drove to shoot a wedding that evening i discovered this song on the album...and balled...because every word i'd praying on that swing was in THIS song...

 

lyrics

 I'm saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind
And follow You
I'll walk the narrow road
'cause it leads me to You
I'll fall but grace
Will pick me up again
I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it
I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous
But Lord You're beautiful
I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
'cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed
Jesus
Take my all
Take my everything
I've counted up the cost
And You're worth everything

(just go buy the album already...seriously. it's probably not just my soundtrack to life, it's probably the soundtrack to your life too...and it's only $7.99...okay off soapbox)

okay....so back to the car ride...sorry (see what i mean about not being able to stop typing)...that afternoon i couldn't get this scripture out of my head.

²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

luke 14:26-27

and as i sat thinking on that verse as i drove to the event and back...i realized that within that scripture he asks us to hate "...and children..."....our version of love has to look like hate when compared to the love of christ.  i remember sermons of this from david platt's "radical" series.  i felt like maybe God was calling me to put aside my desire for kids right then to run more passionately forward with whatever other callings he had on my life at that point.

and while i thought this....i hadn't verbalized it really to anyone.  until jacob in the car driving. so we are preparing to go to this agency meeting to really see what it all involves and we are praying for God to give us a sense of either "absolutely" or "not now".  while simultaneously realizing that God just might say the latter...and in a weird way. i'm okay with that.  i'm prepared for that.  because if there's been ANYTHING i've learned in the past two years, it's been that His plans are rarely mine...and rightfully so...i would have messed it all up.  he's far better at surprises than i am with my plans.

our sweet potato.

tonight we celebrated jacob's birthday.  it's not until next weekend, but we live pretty packed schedule's these days and this was our only night to go out together.  so after dinner we went to dairy queen...and sat on our phones...not playing candy crush (confession. i play it. judging may commence now. it's a hidden secret of mine)...no we were wiki-pedia-ing anything we could find on taiwan.

i want to know the culture. i want to know who they're at odds with.  i want to know that their main language is mandarin chinese.  i want to know what country likes which other country. what your little island is like...and in doing so...i have your nick name already.

"taiwan is shaped like a sweet potato," read one article, "and for that reason, many taiwanese, refer to themselves as 'children of the sweet potato'." so.  as our child makes it's way further into our heart...he/she already has a nick name.

our little sweet potato.

it's beginning.

the appointment is made for all blessings international. as i spoke over the phone setting up the meeting...i was told that we did in fact seem like the perfect candidates for taiwan, the country we are looking into. which is what any future adoptive mom wants to hear. whoa. i just wrote mom. too much madness in one post. the excitement is escalating quickly.

#cloudsofhope #flagsoffaithfulness: an explanation

for months now, many have seen my nearly incessant instagram posts (have you caught on i'm a photographer yet...) featuring clouds and then hashtagged with #cloudsofhope and #flagsoffaithfulness.  several of you have even caught on and been looking to the sky with your own pictures and hashtags and i love that!! while it has been a theme for my and jacob's lives for many  months now, it does not merely encompass our desire for children.  because, our hope in life encompasses far more than seeking to raise kids.

the two visuals (flags of faithfulness and clouds of hope) are based in two scriptures that we have been holding to...the first is where elijah goes to pray for rain after a long drought...

⁴² So Ahab went off to eat and drink, but Elijah climbed to the top of Carmel, bent down to the ground and put his face between his knees.
⁴³ “Go and look toward the sea,” he told his servant. And he went up and looked.
“There is nothing there,” he said.
Seven times Elijah said, “Go back.”
⁴⁴ The seventh time the servant reported, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.”
So Elijah said, “Go and tell Ahab, ‘Hitch up your chariot and go down before the rain stops you.’”
⁴⁵ Meanwhile, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain started falling and Ahab rode off to Jezreel. ⁴⁶ The power of the Lord came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel.

1 kings 18:42-46 (niv version)

jacob and i immediately fell in love with this passage that was recounted in the book "sun stand still".  (so good...maybe go get it) the idea that elijah went and bent down on the ground in prayer to God was statement enough...then it tells us he also put his face between his knees....Elijah blocked out everything.  he blocked out what he could SEE to pray for what he could not see.  it was an experience jacob and i were becoming more familiar with.  our lives in the past year or two have been full events that required us to close our eyes, pray and while we didn't see anything, believe.  it was like this with jacob quiting his 5 year teaching position to join me in photography, like when we felt we were supposed to go to a large photography workshop when neither of us had "jobs' per se and yet were handed in three days time the amount of work needed to get the monetary funds to attend the workshop...i could go on and on...but this story resonated so deeply in us.  but that's not even the best part!!  elijah prays and has his servant go look and see if it's raining yet and it's not...and again...and again...SEVEN times the servant goes to check for rain and nothing.

unanswered prayers.  been there too. feeling so much hope and yet not seeing answers. it's hard.  but we are in love with a God who i know, without a shadow of a doubt, has our best interest in mind. and without that, hope would have been gone long ago.

SO....eventually the servant sees "a cloud as small as a man's hand" rising up...OH THE HOPE! and then before they can get back down the mountain it's pouring.  the symbolism chokes me up everytime.  and there are so many times in the past six+ months that i look at the sky...whether it's EMPTY and all blue, has only ONE cloud, or is full of DARK BILLOWY storms...and cry because God is on the move.  He is constantly on the move...and when i SEE the clouds I think...

^9-10 I’m thanking you, God, out loud in the streets,
    singing your praises in town and country.
The deeper your love, the higher it goes;
    every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness.

psalm 57:10 (the message version)

every cloud i see these days is a screaming reminder of a God who is FAITHFUL, who REMEMBERS little 'ol us...who has a PLAN for this little couple in kentucky and i'm wrecked.

and that's why as i start this blog while it is intended to document us as we begin the adoption process..it is so very much more.  because jacob and i are hopeful for far more and our kids will know that.  our hope is not in children...our hope is in the Creator of them.  our excitement isn't found in receiving our referral (which believe me, i've already cried at the thought), it's the God that already planned that path out for us before jacob and i were born. long after we have a child(ren) in our arms we will still cry at the clouds because God has more in mind than giving us children. and he also has many more trials ahead of us to learn and walk through because life as a christian isn't easy, but it is. ever. so. stinkin'. worth it.  he has an art ministry for us (and the other couple that helps us head it up) that is growing and evolving in ways we never saw possible just under a year ago (www.livingstonesfinearts.com).  he has people we are preparing to meet that are in desperate need of christ's love and supernatural touch in their life and i can't wait to see what God has in store...so when you see clouds, think God.  when you look to the sky, remember his faithfulness.  and when it rains, it's okay to cry.

(and because when i started blogging i found myself unable to stop writing...i've included pictures.  because if you're anything like me when you see lots of words you're likely to stop reading.  don't lie. you thought it :)...so the images shown throughout are holga images from a series that will be in living stones fall art show...which of course is entitled "clouds of hope")

p.s. when i began i didn't intend on writing this much...i'm finding it hard now to hold back things that God has helped us realize...so.  this is me apologizing...but not apologizing at all for all the words.

our story.

on numerous occassions over the past several months, i've started a list of what our story has entailed.  the ups and downs of the cecils' marriage...and more specifically what God has brought us through the past two and a half years as we have looked towards starting a family.  each time the list full of dates and events has been left, half done and severely lacking in something.

not until recently when our pastor spoke on the idea of our story within God's story did i realize what the problem had been when it came to writing this out...i had too often been identifying myself with the events and far less on what God has done in these events.  with certainty, i can tell you that the past two-ish years of mine and jacob's marriage has been by and far the most growing, difficult and Christ-enriching years.

when i look at our walk in our marriage through christ's filter i see awesomeness (it's a word. promise. i use it all the time.)  when i prayed three years ago about wanting to see God as a healer...how i wanted to see a healing in my lifetime, a true to life one...i didn't envision him using me.  i saw healing in myself in the past two years through various health issues i've dealt with on a personal basis.  you see, how can i relate and know God as my healer unless i am need of him as that.

christ as comforter.  it was more a line in a christmas carol to me than an actualization until the past year.  not until He placed me in situations where at that moment there was no one i could call, no one around that understood, and no one that fully got my thought process or current predicament did i find myself leaning whole heartedly on Him. that's not a position we seek out in our lives, but when we pray to know God more and understand him better...he is more than willing to allow us to be tested that we would fully lean on him as our best friend, a constant and a rock. 

God's word...a lifeline of promises.  seemed like a silly christian-ese quote someone would throw at you when they don't understand what you're going through, but have heard the bible is supposed to help. i've been there.  while as a christian i know the importance of the bible, i've not tested it nor clung it as i have in the past several years. it's been a nearly daily reminder through the "dontdefineme365" instagram project i started back in january (feel free to follow, there's still 1/3 of the year left, and i get reference scriptures off it all the time when i need a verse) to look into the word for strength, hope and identity. only the truth of God's word defines me.  not a world that says i'm failing in this way or that because of what i have done or not done with my life. so when God tells me i'm enough (2 peter 1:3,4), not dissapointed (isaiah 49:23), splendorous (isaiah 49:2), and not alone (matthew 28:20) or that i'm ever forgotten (isaiah 49:15, 16) than i find myself encouraged as of late.

you see our story isn't one simply compiled of events that make us hurt or excited, it's a constant reflection of God...a daily newness of what He has done and is doing...it's always changing and always moving.