our growing cecil family!!

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps”

Proverbs 16:9

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”

James 1:2

Since our last post much has happened. We have experienced every spectrum of emotion and our trust in God has not only been tested, but tried, and found more durable than ever.  When I last blogged, I had said we were seeing God do some crazy things…and the irony is that I had no idea what was really happening at all.

To do a brief catch up…back in July we found out that there were twin boys up for adoption through our orphanage. We may not have shared it openly on a public forum, but for over three years Jacob and I have felt strongly about twin boys…so much so that we actually wrote that on our initial adoption paperwork that we would take whatever gender, but that we had had several dreams about us having two boys, so if brothers or twins were an option, we were all on board.  So to find a year into the process that twins were even a possibility, we were so pumped.

We had always prayed for our children and future family, but with this new knowledge we went as far as to pray over the two boys specifically. So since July, we have been dreaming big, hoping large, and having faith in what still seemed the impossible.  I had tried to guard my heart, but I would be lying to say I wasn’t 100% invested in bringing these two boys home.  I had prepped my mind for whatever the orphanage called with for a referral, but I knew praying for the impossible was something I hadn’t asked my heart to do in a long time.  I had told close friends that “I would rather have faith for the big and be wrong and allow God to fix my heart, then to never have faith in it at all”.

The first week of September came, and the huge announcement from Taiwan’s government came that our orphanage WOULD, in fact, be allowed to move forward with referrals and matching children with parents.  We learned those boys were on their way to our orphanage and after the necessary amount of time that procedure dictated, they would be referred out to the parents…it would be a matter of a month or so. Hope was rising and we were getting a bit anxious for any and all news regarding our orphanage and referral.

All this time something else was going on that we had no idea about. Another miracle...another impossibility. I was pregnant! The same week we found out about the twins was the same week I became pregnant and had no idea.  None. I was nearly ten weeks before it even crossed my mind to take a test…after a week of what I thought was a stomach bug. To say we were shocked is an understatement.  To say we bawled would be another. I’ll post the video here soon of me telling Jacob the morning of celebrating his birthday…it’s pretty priceless. Although we believed all along that medical doctors would be wrong and that I would be able to conceive at some point, I never dreamed that kind of miracle would happen at such a pivotal point in our adoption process. We were, and continue to be, so excited!! This child is testament not only to life, but faith and impossibility. He/She was an immediate blessing and he/she’s arrival the first of April is greatly anticipated!! I had been seeing a holistic doctor since spring and made major diet changes to help with some other health issues, so I'm wondering if God also used this to aid in little one’s life! But that is for another day and another post.

For that first week or so as we told family and friends we remained shocked and SO hopeful for more…imagining we might have THREE, or at the very least, TWO!  We sat up in bed at night discussing if we needed a mini van…our hunt for a new house that began a year ago seemed a little more urgent too. We speculated and talked a lot.  Jacob had also had a dream about a year or so ago that we had two boys and a little girl about the same age.  So it all felt right.

So in one week’s time: we found out I was pregnant, Taiwan got the news to continue referrals, and Jacob was pretty much handed a new job that would provide far better for our growing family as well as allow him the flexibility to work with me for engagement and wedding photography. So much change and we were in a whirlwind of so many answered prayers.

Within a week or so of us finding out I was pregnant we felt really strongly that we needed to notify our orphanage. It seemed like the most honest, respectable thing to do. We had heard that even though our orphanage worked with mainly couples that were childless, there had been instances in the past where some had gotten pregnant and were allowed to move forward.  So we put our whole heart in a letter…again…almost one year to the date of first telling the orphanage our entire heart to ask them to allow us to adopt initially. We told them everything, the dreams, that we knew about the two boys, that we prayed for them specifically, and YET we submitted to whatever decision they felt necessary as they prayerfully considered our case.  We told them we didn’t expect those two boys and that we respected their experience and the fact that they seek direction and wisdom from God as well in their decision making process. We knew that things would also have to move quickly for me to get on a plane and bring them home while I was still able to prior to delivery.  But we continued to believe for miracles, as this little one was already proof that if one obstacle can be moved then nothing can stand in the way of God’s will taking place and moving court systems quickly.

Weeks passed after we sent the letter and as far as we knew all was good. We knew they had received it and we did not hear anything otherwise. The days were getting closer to referral and we were planning for three and elated for the little one growing in me healthy and strong!

Then last week we received an email that dropped us to the floor. Our orphanage in Taiwan is not allowing us to adopt since I am pregnant and we did not already have a referral.  There were several more emails back and forth, but the short story is we are no longer adopting from Taiwan but going in a different direction. Our hearts broke that afternoon in a way neither of us had experienced before. While we had braced for the worst, we did not anticipate it. The only way we knew to explain it was an emotional miscarriage.  There had been no guarantees, but we had connected, prayed for and hoped for these children we had not seen yet and we lost them. 

We rejoiced over the one and grieved for the two.

I have learned so much this last week…God has met me in the hurt and brought forth a new, better, tested faith. Faith does NOT mean holding back some of your hope so your heart doesn’t get hurt.  Faith is trusting what you don’t see and believing God to handle the aftermath of your heart should it not line up how our human minds imagined. It’s a tricky balance between guarding your heart and allowing God to have it. That verse at the beginning could not be more true…our plans had been made, we were adopting and yet in that, God is sovereign and he is directing our steps. Life hurts sometimes. And Christians are not immune to that…in fact I’d venture to say we often experience it most as we battle between what we think is best and what we allow God to show us is best.

I considered not sharing ALL of that back story and just summing up the last four months in a sentence stating “I’m pregnant and our orphanage is not allowing us to continue, so our adoption is taking a different direction!”…but vulnerability has been something I have worked on this last year and this is our story. Our story is messy. It has twists and turns and the plot thickens and grows and where it leads, only God knows.  But each of us has a story to share and it rarely goes according to plan. I’m learning more and more to be thankful for those hurts, because they have purpose, and I'm learning to be appreciative for the opportunity to grow because I’m not the same person I was last year, and I’m not even the same person I was last week. I pray He is constantly at work in me. That is (and must be) my strongest desire…above children and above family, He has to be my priority, and sacrificing our own wants and plans for that is rarely easy.

We are healing in supernatural ways and the support of friends and family with this has been the kindest outpouring we could have imagined.  With the help of our amazing agency we are continuing our adoption process, but do not have specifics to share on that at this time...rest assured that Baby Cecil will have siblings.

Even in this, God’s timing has been so sweet and so kind. We got the news on a Wednesday and had a doctor appointment on Friday.  Hearing the heartbeat and having a strong, healthy baby was the best news and the biggest encouragement. We also find out the gender this weekend (tomorrow!) and have had that to look forward to as well. He always knows best and if I can look past the hurt and realize everything is done with my best in mind, then I can far better see that.  This scripture in Lamentations 3:19-33 in the message version has been such an encouragement this past week and maybe it will be for one of you as well…hope can rise again…and if you feel life has taken too much of it…try the advice in this scripture to “go off by yourself, enter the silence, bow in prayer, don’t ask questions and wait for hope to appear…” God is always willing to provide more of Himself...I just often forget to ask for it.

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
    the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
    the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
    and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24 God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.

^25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
    go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
    Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
    The “worst” is never the worst.

^31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever
    walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
    His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
    in throwing roadblocks in the way:

As God continues to teach us about His perfect timing, I plan to continue posting.  From the beginning I said this blog was not just about the adoption, and it will continue to fall in line with that.  It will discuss our adoption, but also our biological little one, and other randomness God leads. 

I continue to look for clouds of hope and even when the sky is clear and blue, God is up to something. We find out the gender TOMORROW and are eager to share with everyone later tomorrow evening so stay tuned. God’s plans are perfect as well as his timing…we are eager to see how God uses every part of the last year and a half for his purpose and our growing faith. Thanks for your continued prayers and support!!