“In their hearts
humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps”
Proverbs 16:9
“Consider it pure
joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because
you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance
finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in
anything.”
James 1:2
Since our last post
much has happened. We have experienced every spectrum of emotion and our trust
in God has not only been tested, but tried, and found more durable than
ever. When I last blogged, I had
said we were seeing God do some crazy things…and the irony is that I had no
idea what was really happening at all.
To do a brief catch
up…back in July we found out that there were twin boys up for adoption through
our orphanage. We may not have shared it openly on a public forum, but for over
three years Jacob and I have felt strongly about twin boys…so much so that we
actually wrote that on our initial adoption paperwork that we would take
whatever gender, but that we had had several dreams about us having two boys, so
if brothers or twins were an option, we were all on board. So to find a year into the process that
twins were even a possibility, we were so pumped.
We had always prayed
for our children and future family, but with this new knowledge we went as far as
to pray over the two boys specifically. So since July, we have been dreaming
big, hoping large, and having faith in what still seemed the impossible. I had tried to guard my heart, but I
would be lying to say I wasn’t 100% invested in bringing these two boys
home. I had prepped my mind for
whatever the orphanage called with for a referral, but I knew praying for the
impossible was something I hadn’t asked my heart to do in a long time. I had told close friends that “I would
rather have faith for the big and be wrong and allow God to fix my heart, then
to never have faith in it at all”.
The first week
of September came, and the huge announcement from Taiwan’s government came that our
orphanage WOULD, in fact, be allowed to move forward with referrals and matching
children with parents. We learned
those boys were on their way to our orphanage and after the necessary amount of
time that procedure dictated, they would be referred out to the parents…it
would be a matter of a month or so. Hope was rising and we were getting a bit
anxious for any and all news regarding our orphanage and referral.
All this
time something else was going on that we had no idea about. Another miracle...another impossibility. I was pregnant! The same week we found out about the
twins was the same week I became pregnant and had no idea. None. I was nearly ten weeks before it
even crossed my mind to take a test…after a week of what I thought was a
stomach bug. To say we were shocked is an understatement. To say we bawled would be another. I’ll
post the video here soon of me telling Jacob the morning of celebrating his
birthday…it’s pretty priceless. Although we believed all along that medical
doctors would be wrong and that I would be able to conceive at some point, I
never dreamed that kind of miracle would happen at such a pivotal point in our
adoption process. We were, and continue to be, so excited!! This child is
testament not only to life, but faith and impossibility. He/She was an
immediate blessing and he/she’s arrival the first of April is greatly anticipated!!
I had been seeing a holistic doctor since spring and made major diet changes to
help with some other health issues, so I'm wondering if God also used this to aid in
little one’s life! But that is for another day and another post.
For that first week
or so as we told family and friends we remained shocked and SO hopeful for more…imagining
we might have THREE, or at the very least, TWO! We sat up in bed at night discussing if we needed a mini
van…our hunt for a new house that began a year ago seemed a little more urgent
too. We speculated and talked a lot.
Jacob had also had a dream about a year or so ago that we had two boys
and a little girl about the same age.
So it all felt right.
So in one week’s
time: we found out I was pregnant, Taiwan got the news to continue referrals,
and Jacob was pretty much handed a new job that would provide far better for
our growing family as well as allow him the flexibility to work with me for
engagement and wedding photography. So much change and we were in a whirlwind
of so many answered prayers.
Within a week or so
of us finding out I was pregnant we felt really strongly that we needed to
notify our orphanage. It seemed like the most honest, respectable thing to do.
We had heard that even though our orphanage worked with mainly couples that
were childless, there had been instances in the past where some had gotten
pregnant and were allowed to move forward. So we put our whole heart in a letter…again…almost one year
to the date of first telling the orphanage our entire heart to ask them to
allow us to adopt initially. We told them everything, the dreams, that we knew
about the two boys, that we prayed for them specifically, and YET we submitted
to whatever decision they felt necessary as they prayerfully considered our
case. We told them we didn’t
expect those two boys and that we respected their experience and the fact that
they seek direction and wisdom from God as well in their decision making process.
We knew that things would also have to move quickly for me to get on a plane
and bring them home while I was still able to prior to delivery. But we continued to believe for
miracles, as this little one was already proof that if one obstacle can be moved
then nothing can stand in the way of God’s will taking place and moving court
systems quickly.
Weeks passed after we
sent the letter and as far as we knew all was good. We knew they had received
it and we did not hear anything otherwise. The days were getting closer to
referral and we were planning for three and elated for the little one growing in
me healthy and strong!
Then last week we
received an email that dropped us to the floor. Our orphanage in Taiwan is not
allowing us to adopt since I am pregnant and we did not already have a
referral. There were several more
emails back and forth, but the short story is we are no longer adopting from
Taiwan but going in a different direction. Our hearts broke that afternoon in a
way neither of us had experienced before. While we had braced for the worst, we
did not anticipate it. The only way we knew to explain it was an emotional
miscarriage. There had been no
guarantees, but we had connected, prayed for and hoped for these children we
had not seen yet and we lost them.
We rejoiced over the
one and grieved for the two.
I have learned so
much this last week…God has met me in the hurt and brought forth a new, better,
tested faith. Faith does NOT mean holding back some of your hope so your heart doesn’t
get hurt. Faith is trusting what
you don’t see and believing God to handle the aftermath of your heart should it
not line up how our human minds imagined. It’s a tricky balance between
guarding your heart and allowing God to have it. That verse at the beginning could
not be more true…our plans had been made, we were adopting and yet in that, God
is sovereign and he is directing our steps. Life hurts sometimes. And
Christians are not immune to that…in fact I’d venture to say we often
experience it most as we battle between what we think is best and what we allow
God to show us is best.
I considered not
sharing ALL of that back story and just summing up the last four months in a
sentence stating “I’m pregnant and our orphanage is not allowing us to continue,
so our adoption is taking a different direction!”…but vulnerability has been
something I have worked on this last year and this is our story. Our story is
messy. It has twists and turns and the plot thickens and grows and where it
leads, only God knows. But each of
us has a story to share and it rarely goes according to plan. I’m learning more and
more to be thankful for those hurts, because they have purpose, and I'm learning to be
appreciative for the opportunity to grow because I’m not the same person I was
last year, and I’m not even the same person I was last week. I pray He is
constantly at work in me. That is (and must be) my strongest desire…above
children and above family, He has to be my priority, and sacrificing our own
wants and plans for that is rarely easy.
We are healing in
supernatural ways and the support of friends and family with this has been the
kindest outpouring we could have imagined. With the help of our amazing agency we are continuing our
adoption process, but do not have specifics to share on that at this time...rest
assured that Baby Cecil will have siblings.
Even in this, God’s
timing has been so sweet and so kind. We got the news on a Wednesday and had a
doctor appointment on Friday.
Hearing the heartbeat and having a strong, healthy baby was the best
news and the biggest encouragement. We also find out the gender this weekend
(tomorrow!) and have had that to look forward to as well. He always knows best
and if I can look past the hurt and realize everything is done with my best in
mind, then I can far better see that.
This scripture in Lamentations 3:19-33 in the message version has been
such an encouragement this past week and maybe it will be for one of you as
well…hope can rise again…and if you feel life has taken too much of it…try the
advice in this scripture to “go off by yourself, enter the silence, bow in
prayer, don’t ask questions and wait for hope to appear…” God is always willing
to provide more of Himself...I just often forget to ask for it.
I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24 God’s
loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
25-27 God
proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30 When
life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.
31-33 Why?
Because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
As God continues to
teach us about His perfect timing, I plan to continue posting. From the beginning I said this blog was
not just about the adoption, and it will continue to fall in line with
that. It will discuss our
adoption, but also our biological little one, and other randomness God leads.
I continue to look
for clouds of hope and even when the sky is clear and blue, God is up to
something. We find out the gender TOMORROW and are eager to share with everyone
later tomorrow evening so stay tuned. God’s plans are perfect as well as his
timing…we are eager to see how God uses every part of the last year and a half
for his purpose and our growing faith. Thanks for your continued prayers and
support!!
