dreams.

it's a long one...i'm not hurt if you skip it ;)

i've contemplated posting this one.  not really sure why...but you know how when you feel strongly about something sometimes it's hard to write out and make it sound so....real. like telling everyone that you're actually believing in this or for this?  makes you feel a bit crazier. ha. well it's all part of our story so i'm going to write it out, if only for myself and our family.

april 10th, 2011...is when our family, or the idea of it began. 

I had gone to ethiopia that january to photograph and document the adoption of our dear friends (life changing awesomeness, y'all...but anyways).  came home and we met with a local agency to adopt within that next month.  so february we met with an agency and got all the info, but it just didn't feel right. in march we left for south africa and visited my sister there.  while it was amazing and super enjoyed hanging out with family, we also spent 10 days with my nephew.  and he's an angel, really, don't get the wrong idea at all from this story...but we saw how exhausting it can be to have a child and as we flew back to the states, we talked about maybe holding off a bit longer on a family.  at least give it a few months.  so we get back that first week of april.  and went to church that following sunday.  it was an all worship sunday.  and i was doing my worship thing.  and i looked up to our stage and saw a girl worshipping and felt God tell me "see how she worships me? she is going to teach her children to praise me like that"...it was the sweetest thing.  that girl at the time was trying to get pregnant and i knew that word would be such an encouragement to her.  so i went back to worshiping and tucked that little word in my mind to share with her when she got some positive results. onto another song....and i open my eyes again and immediately heard "you're going to be pregnant with her". i stopped in my tracks.  knowing the discussion i had just had with jacob on holding off i knew it was not a thought i could have come up with on my own.  i was very silent as we left the service that night, went out with friends to eat where the girl confirmed she was excited about being pregnant soon and i just knew it was our time.  so we got in the car to leave and i told jacob i felt strongly that what i had heard was our push to begin a family.  and so it began.

well, within just hardly a couple weeks the friend was pregnant.  and we celebrated!! and all the while i knew what i had heard and started to get excited in my spirit. the months passed and i didn't share what i had heard for me with really hardly anyone. it came october, november and december...and i really began to learn faith in God...faith in what i didn't see. faith in His voice and not the natural and what i saw. up until the very DAY she delivered i believed i would be pregnant and we would be pregnant together even for 12 hours. ha.  her delivery came and passed and then i defaulted to the symbolism.  pregnant together in excitement.  pregnant in the spirit with something big God is going to do....and after many months...pregnant maybe with her second child and my first.  i wasn't discouraged, i knew what i had heard was not from me and so i held up...continued to hold hope. we often intepret what we hear incorrectly...it doesn't mean you heard wrong, but that you see it in a different way than God intended it...He's always right, though...as is His word, His truths and His promises. don't question him...look inward to see if your heart needs to respond differently.

there's a million stories of things i've heard or jacob has over the past three years...."sons of thunder" leading us to believe we would have twins boys....scriptures that have spelled out our lives with a girl's name that has led me to believe we are having a girl...you name it.  God has spoken to us in so many different ways.  it's encouraging...always hope giving...which is all about who He is anyways. so flash forward lots of months....we can cover those other words and months (years) another day...let's stick with my dream. i don't think that all of these are literal, perhaps they're spiritually meant...perhaps to be fulfilled in many years to come...just because we don't see how they work out now does not mean they are not what we heard.  gosh have i ever learned that in the past many years.  God is true to Himself and His word....always.  never question that.

back to my dear friend and the word and my recent dream.

this same awesome gal announced her second pregnancy a few months ago and while i was initially shocked (thinking..."hmm...but i'm not pregnant" ha ha) i ran to my calendar to find that she is the same weeks along as i am into the adoption. how sweet is that??  is that what God meant?? i have no idea. may never...but the dream.

christmas night i dreamed i was pregnant. and i was 8-11 weeks along.  i don't know why 8-11...but it stuck out.  and i was delivering! and everyone was like "no way! that's way too premature! you can't do that yet"...and i was all calm, explaining that it was the perfect timing. and i delivered a perfectly sized, normal baby (not gender specific in the dream, darn, i know :D). i woke up feeling odd.  i shared it with jacob and he asked how long we had been on the waiting list.  at that point it was about 6 weeks.  well that following week i began texting with my friend who is pregnant and learned some new informaiton.  she was going to have an appointment this past week that they might need to do an ultrasound for...and if they did they would know the gender....if they didn't end up needing to do that ultrasound then she would go back in for her normal gender appointment on the 29th.  that's neat, right? cool....

then it hit me.  and i ran to the calendar again.  wednesday when she went we were EXACTLY 8 weeks on the waiting list...and the 29th when she is going back now...EXACTLY 11 weeks on the waiting list.  random? ironic? i think not.  if we are in fact "pregnant" together...it makes sense to me for us to both know the genders of our baby at the same time.

now i write all this knowing that God has a divine plan.  that is clearly not my own. wednesday i was a bit heightened...needless to say. and thursday morning i nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone rang early before we were both up! and come the 29th it might be best you just don't call lol. 

i'm also a firm believer in God constantly providing hope.  there was a time this past year that i was upset and crying with God...i had been experiencing a million new pregnancy symptoms...some id never experienced and some i had....and then they turned out to not lead to me being pregnant.  and in the past many months i've had that a lot...new symptoms that would lead me to believe i could be.  and so after one especially difficult month i was praying about it....yelling about it perhaps, let's be honest this path is not an easy one.  and i asked him why on earth He would continually lead me to thinking that i was, or could be, or might be pregnant, only to reveal i'm not...and i heard this "hope. to give you hope". it stilled my heart and i cried. without little symptoms or little nudges to make me think there was hope to growing our family, i may have crumbled into an awful mess. the silence would have crushed me more.  it was one of the sweetest lessons of the past 3 years.  God was providing me hope...and once i realized that...the months got easier and hope came more easily.

so what does this all mean. i have no idea.  perhaps nothing. maybe it's all a way of providing hope. but i'm currently believing that we will know (get our referral) who our baby(ies) is by january 29th.  and if we don't, that's fine. but we have nothing if we don't have hope. so i'm hopeful we will know and that the craziness of the past three years means something tangible that i can see laid out before me soon.  let's be honest, that'd be a pretty stinkin' awesome testimony.  because it's all for God's glory, guys. if it's not, you best lay it back down. everything that happens is to give him the most glory...THROUGH us.  and if this is part of our story then i can't wait to share it...and if it's all seemingly irrelevant currently, then i'll store it in my dreams/visions/notions category of my mind knowing that at some point in life it will be crystal clear. 

logistically....
we are on the waiting list.  but where our agency is all christ-centered, they pray over every applicant and every baby and place them how they feel God leads them...which doesn't always mean going in order according to a "list" per se.  so my dear friends behind us in the adoption might get their referral before us and that's okay....and people who have been on the waiting list far longer than us may have to wait after us...that one is harder for me to handle...but it's not a check off down the line with this organization.  and i'm thankful for that...it takes even more control out of my hands and i need more of that in my life...things that don't run on my timeline.  so it is, in fact, possible for us to know at anytime.  there was one woman i met who got her referral within THREE WEEKS of being added to the list...those were different times at the orphanage when they had to get their numbers down more quickly....but it is not by any means impossible.

timing wise...
currently taiwan is 13 hours ahead of us.  so it makes sense to me that if they were going to call it would be early morning or later evening.  because if it's 8 am here it's 9pm there....and if it were like 7 pm here it would be 8am there...otherwise during the day either here or there would be middle of the night in the other location.  hence my jumping out of my skin the other morning to answer my phone...perhaps these are the motherly instincts kicking in (i was hoping that would start at some point because man am i a sound sleeper!!)...so the soft buzz of my phone sends me in a whirlwind these days....and our video camera is always on me to get it recorded! :)

soooo.  we are just waiting.  but we are ever so hopeful :)  God is writing our story and i'm thankful.

timeline

i'll need this for reference some day...and i'll keep editing as need be :)

Adoption Timeline:
August 30 2013 - First appointment with All Blessings International to begin the process

September 1 2013 - type out pre approval application to send Mandee/Taiwan
September 2 2013 - sent out pre approval letter to Mandee/Taiwan
September 10 2013 - pre approved to move forward with adoption through THOGL
September 11 2013 - sent in intitial application to begin process to ABI
September 13 2013 - ABI approval given and all documents sent to us to begin home study
September 26 2013 - submitted forms for criminal background check
Septembe 27 2013- - first home visit from the social worker
All September worked on home study paper work, documents, background checks and physicals, fingerprinting, forms from doctors, birth and marriage certificates, also doing education credits for home study

October 1 2013 - criminal background checks go through and are approved
October 4 2013 - ALL home study paper work DONE on our end of things
October 8 2013 - mailed out all of our documents for the home study to ABI to being finalizing
October 14 2013 - second and LAST home study completed, now all finalization of home study can be worked up and typed up at ABI
October 15 2013 - added to THOGL Forum on facebook to meet the other parents
October 28 2013 - proofed out typed up home study report from ABI
October 31 2013 - home study DONE all the way and being sent to taiwan!!! (8 weeks to the day)

November 6 - filed our i600a form for immigration and official fingerprinting
November 13 - officially added to the WAITING LIST

December 20 - found out our second half of i600a was denied and/or filed incorrectly (not our problem, they told us incorrectly) resent the form and payment in an overnight mailer as the cut off expiration is January 13th and must be to Texas then back to our representative

January 29 - had our FBI fingerprinting done in cincinnati, ohio

super neat, fantastically awesome, handmade hats! :)

get pumped because i am.  and i'm overwhelmed with sweetness.  our dear friends and fellow adoptive parents, nina and wes mullins, are helping us with some adoption fundraising since they are pros after bringing their incredibly beautiful twins home from ethiopia three years ago (which i went to photograph with them...amazing story...i'll have to share sometime...in the mean time go see those pics of then and now).

nina's mom is a very talented woman and offered to knit us hats to sell in return for us helping them get some work done on their home lately.  hardly seems enough for us to do that while they handle all the rest...but take a look at these super cute hats!!! kiddos and adult sizes!! these are traditional norwegian hats (as her mom is norwegian) and definitely knitted with love.  we are so honored she would take the time to knit these for us and are so thrilled to offer them for sale just before christmas!! and the info needed is at the link below!!

LINK TO ORDER this is where you can make special order requests also in case you happen to not be a UK fan (which is silly) or don't already love these color choices!


 child #1


child #2


adult #3


adult #4




adult #5


adult #6




adult #7
 
adult #8

adult #9

thanks so much, ia!!! and nina for handling this all!! 100% of the proceeds go back to our adoption funding...and any we raise beyond what is needed will go to bless the incredible orphanage we have come to love!  :)

our waiting father.

there are many other things that i should probably update and type about tonight.  but i just finished getting ready for bed and i'm just...well....sad. just a little bit.  incredibly hopeful.  but this evening. sad.

i texted someone this evening and said simply "i'm crying. missing a child i've never met."

i've not experienced this before.  i mean it was different when we were trying for a family biologically and the month would come and go with no positive news in that area.  i know that feeling.  but this one is different.  i know we will be placed with a child. i know it. and so somewhere, on the other side of the world. is a mom. likely pregnant or perhaps hurting as she has just made an adoption plan. somewhere there's a plan in place for a child to be mine. and yet they have no idea who i am. and i miss them.

as i sat on my bed (yup, crying...and journaling) God whispered to me His perspective.

i'm feeling what he feels. for those he also aches for and yet do not know him...he loves them immensely and yet they haven't found him. known him. loved him back yet....but he LOVES, hard and deeply...as i do for a child who doesn't know me yet. 

i love that he's preparing my heart.

but tonight i miss them.

"firsts"

my birthday was fantastic this year.  really, the best yet. it's the last of my 20s...and i'm facing it excitedly.  the whole day was awesome...full of phone calls, texts, drop bys, and celebrations.  it also brought the first of several kinds of gifts that were such a blessing to me....

 my first taiwan gift...taiwan flag key chain...my new prayer reminder when i get in the car :) such a sweet thought.

 

 our sweet potato(es) first gift-ish...their fund...complete with some starter money. i have some incredibly encouraging, thoughtful friends...been adding all our spare change and art sales to it...it's growing!! :)

my first mommy gift...and mommy card!! eeks!! still setting in that it's me! a journal to write or draw in about our little bit...perfect for creatives like us :)

and our first "family" gift...this one's from my sister! she said the devotional starts december first and includes readings from genesis and on through the bible that proclaim christ's coming and arrival as well as some family activities if interested.  she said she and her family (of 5 kids) read it together each year and go through it.  the thought of a new family tradition like this melts my heart.  we'll read it this christmas in preparation and try to image how it could possibly look next year this time.

jacob and i are trying to think of something small/inexpensive we can purchase to help it feel more real...like a onesie or something...gender neutral and at least a one year size (in case their hefty sweet potatoes ;) ). but still thinking on that...will probably just end up waiting til we have a referral and ca be more specific. but the whole day was a blessing and i was overwhelmed by friends and family.  truly. our child(ren) are going to have such an amazing community to be apart of.  thank you ALL so much!!

WAITING LIST!!!!!!!

;kaslasfljasifjdk!!!! my friends know when i text jarble like that with exclamations that it's my way of squealing via text lol.  we. are. so. excited and hopeful.  i wrote in my one line a day journal last night that i was feeling really hopeful last night and i woke up this morning to an email from taiwan saying we had been added to the waiting list. HUGE shocker because we had been told it could be 4+ weeks before we heard anything from them. so.....yea....that's pretty fantastic!!!

so what does this mean? nothing. and everything. lol.  it could still be 9 months before we know our child.  we have met people a step ahead of us that have been on the waiting list 3ish months so far and not heard anything...but that doesn't mean it'll be the same for us.  the heads of THOGL pray over all the applicants and all the babies and place them as they feel best...and we are also very much open to twins and should that come up, we don't know who else is open to that and may get different place in line then too....crazy amounts of variables in play.  we are also waiting for our I600a forms to come back with fingerprinting assignments from homeland security...allowing us to bring an "immigrant"...our child...over from taiwan.  and there a few other forms we have to fill out...but not sure if those are pre-post referral.

but we are on the list.
the list.
we are in line.
WAITING.
anytime....and yet maybe months. oh me!!!

are we ready? no one ever is...but seriously. holy cow. lol.  had a hard time being focused this morning. been editing and sending out emails and such...then get distracted thinking about the possilibities...and how we've seriously gotta get going on our tshirts and fundraiser lol.

i really struggle with that part...fundraising. always have, it's not a new thing.  we are working on shirts for hopefully a pre-christmas order option.  and....mark your calendars...we are looking to throw a chinese new year dance party!!! woot wooot!! chinese new year is january 31 and it's a friday...so either that day or february 1st on that saturday....more details on that as it gets closer but looking to have that as our big fundraiser...and i know i've got lots of photographer friends who get bummed shooting receptions every weekend and never really being a part of the dance party...so here's your chance!!! :)

so yes! big update and are so thankful and hopeful and exciting...and expectant!! :)

absence...

hi! sorry for the absence...my blog account decided to lock me out for a couple weeks and honestly, I hadn't had the chance to figure out the problem until this past week.  so the latest adoption update is that as of last week all our home study was officially finalized and sent off to taiwan.  once there it'll be translated to mandarin as well as "okayed" officially by the heads of THOGL.  when that is done we will be added to the waiting list.  the whole finalization process and send off of the home study was a longer process than i realized...but just because something is done on our end and finished from what we can do with it, does NOT mean that it is finished. :) i should know that by now.

many other God randomness and teaching have come into play, but again it's very busy at the moment and so i will have to catch up later.  wanted that bit of info to be on here, though!  so we will be waiting for a final word from taiwan that we are on the waiting list, which could take several weeks....but waiting is something we are very familiar with. 

found this song recently and i really like it (shocker, it's not a rend collective song, calm down)...this song is actually not much like the style of music i usually listen to, other than it's christian.  so, don't judge my taste in music by it...it's a song that keeps coming up from other pandora stations i've been listening too....and after hearing it several times on there now, i had to buy it on itunes because i can't get the chorus out of my head "you can do more in my waiting, than in my doing i can do"...so if you don't mind a bit of country dixie chick-ish twang give it a listen. :)