this morning was a unique one. jacob asked me on a date. and so on a monday morning we went with a handful of other 70-80 year old couples in the lexington area to view "the secret life of walter mitty" at the early bird price. he used some of his christmas money and it was so sweet and so fun. today starts his teaching class that i had last semester so he is there on mondays now.
as the movie went on and walter went on his adventures to each new location, i was reminded of the past several years' trips that had us in various parts of the world, like norway, mexico, and africa. and i was thankful. you also see walter balance his checkbook throughout the movie and i chuckled on the inside relating to his internal cost vs experience methodology. and as the credits came up...i walked to throw away our mr. pibb (treat #2!!) and found myself crying. and by the time i made it to the trash cans in the back of the theater i was all out sobbing. jacob was, of course, confused as normally i cry during the movie and not 5 minutes after (except for blood brothers, oh my word, i was a wreck for hours after that one....another day's story...). and as he pulled me in for a hug i muddled out "i just realized that all this time i've been so upset and embarrassed at times that we have spent our savings this past year on adoption and i've been upset about the money...and here's our greatest adventure before us. and it's all worth it. i'd spend it all again."
and so we both cried.
yup. it's out there. our savings has been greatly diminished because we went all in on the adoption. but as much as i have tried to hide that these past year/months, it's all pride really. because the past three years of our lives has been nothing short of one adventure after the other. a standing on one stone of faith only to hop blindly to the next. and i've been so concerned, trying to cover my pride and finances that i almost missed recognizing it...and in doing so missed sharing what i believe God is doing in us.
our story is one of adventure. let me lay out the past three years. (feel free to hop to the last paragraph to miss details that i'll just want for myself in the years to come ha) i felt led to quit my job back three years ago. and what that means for a self-employed wedding photographer is that i turned down a season of weddings. all of them. i sat a summer out....quietly. hoping no one noticed. i. was. terrified. but i couldn't move forward in my relationship with christ, knowing what i thought he asked of me and simply ignore it. so "fear of The Lord" or "fear of God"...yea i get that a little bit...because i followed because i feared being disobedient lol...and i'm not shy to say that...it's the kind of fear that parents ought to have with their children...love them so much that they are afraid to disobey you....i'm already digressing, sorry ha....so i sat a season out. got my priorities right. changed my business focus back onto the One who gave it to me to begin with...and when i took back those reigns in january of that next season...it was with the heart of "going back to my first love"...and that included film. on a january day, in a sunday service, i remembered the love of shooting film that began in it all in college and with holga in hand, started taking it back up.
so that was january. we found out about jose around that time (
jose villa that is) and were encouraged by our friends to attend his workshop, knowing it would further push us into the film love we were re-igniting. i scoffed at the idea, knowing the cost and said i'd "pray" about it.. which is a christian-ese term for "no, but i'll act spiritual and like i'm considering it by saying that".
oh...time out...
did i mention this was at the same time jacob decided it was time to quit his teaching job? oh yea. that happened too. for five years he strongly disliked his position for a variety of reasons. and after 4 attempts every previous summer to find a new position, he found all the doors shut to him by the time fall came back around. that fifth year, though, with tenure under his belt, we finally both felt at peace for him to leap. cut ties and find that pebble of faith to stand on. so he did.
so i hadn't taken on any weddings. he quits his job and we are "praying" about an incredible opportunity to go to mexico and learn under a master of film using an amount of money we know we don't seemingly have with neither of us foreseeing income later that year ha. so in a half-hearted effort to follow through with my "praying" about it speech, i told jacob and God that if we got two weddings within that week that it could maybe cover us going and the rest would come after that because that would be our sign to go. so we went to bed. and i woke up the next morning...to THREE weddings. God's funny like that, did you know. you ask for two and he gives you three. maybe it's because i'm one of the stubborn believers....like gideon
(in judges 6) in the bible, asking for a wet fleece and dry land, and the next day asking for wet land dry fleece...blah blah...i often require too much of God, but he always meets me. so we booked the workshop. and began business again the end of that year. and God provided enough income to cover us.
and when jacob's year wrapped up and he quit...almost immediately he was given an opportunity to manage a comic bookstore...something he has looked into several summers prior at the wrong locations. considerable less pay and benefits, but with an exceedingly far better work environment to foster his other artistic talents. so we took a leap...and found a stone to stand on. each step we have taken has cut our pay a little bit more...and yet simultaneously walked us more and more into a plan we know God has laid out for us.
it's a funny wrap up really. i quit. then he quit. then i came back. and he was handed work. never has God left us alone. so if i could stop pretending for a minute that i've got this finance thing figured out or that i'm running the show...i MIGHT just be able to shine Christ a little better. i might be able to explain how we didn't have jobs, but then we did or how when a mortgage payment came up shy, i "found" a check from a client that hadn't been cashed...or when we struggled and fought for health insurance for months, he came through...or maybe how medically i had some of the most trying years of my life and yet he pulled me through...if i could stop, you could see God a little better in me. to know God as provider, requires needing provision. ever thought of that. to know him as healer, you must need healing. it's a scary prayer...to ask to know him as a provider or in any other capacity. it's frightening in a way any time you ask to know God in a different or new way...because that means testing. but the testing....THAT is the adventure. its dying to self and yet it's life giving. it's not safe, but it's amazing.
so at the end of walter mitty...i found myself broken with God. and humbled. as i've not thanked him for this adventure we have had...one of transition and trust...one of being moved around and placed where he wanted us to be. and without thanking him, i've not recognized what lies ahead. it may not have been smart to spend what we had saved. it may not have made dave ramsey sense (and we follow dave ramsey really well...so i hate to disappoint)...but we spent what we did to go where he's called us. and if he has called us...there is no shame in what it cost me to get there. he gave it all for me. and i am willing to give it all back and sometimes that means for a child i don't yet know. striking similarities.
and so we are on an adventure...and i am now eager to share all that God has done with us, financially and otherwise to carry us along and get us to the places he wants us to be. because he is worthy of that recognition, deserving of that praise, and it is merely selfish of me to not share the "goodness of the lord in the land of the living".
